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A question for parents

Alpha60

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Having had children, for those of you who have also lost one or both of your own parents, does having children in any sense mitigate or ameliorate that loss, by providing a continuity of family life?
 

Arachne

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It's a no from me. If anything, it keeps reminding me of the loss, distant as it is now, because with every new achievement of my son, I can't help thinking how proud his namesake grandfather would be to see it.

I don't believe grief ever gets better, we just get better at coping with it. Losing someone you love leaves a hole shaped like them in your self; nothing and no one else can fit to close it. And that's all right.
 

Alpha60

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Arachne said:
It's a no from me. If anything, it keeps reminding me of the loss, distant as it is now, because with every new achievement of my son, I can't help thinking how proud his namesake grandfather would be to see it.

I don't believe grief ever gets better, we just get better at coping with it. Losing someone you love leaves a hole shaped like them in your self; nothing and no one else can fit to close it. And that's all right.
Indeed, I can understand that.  But, put it another way: if your parents had died and you had no family, no one else you loved, would that be worse than losing them but having your children and husband?

My mother’s health has much improved, but I have grown distant from my cousins (we were almost like siblings growing up) and I really don’t have anyone else that I am close to at the moments; lots of friends, close friends even, but no one I could really call a “loved one.”  Now, my desire is to integrate my aunt and her husband into my life more, but long term, let me put it to you like this -

Is it better to have people you love left in your life?  And is parenting a good way to get that?

And I should stress I do not mean one way love, that is, people who love you, rather I mean the sort of sacrificial love required in a relationship, or indeed the sacrifices we make to take care of our grandparents and our parents and other elders as they age?

Another way of looking at it: given where you are now, are you glad you have your family?  Is it a source of fulfillment and something that can provide comfort (while at the same time also requiring comfort and much labour from you)?
 

Svartzorn

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Alpha60 said:
Having had children, for those of you who have also lost one or both of your own parents, does having children in any sense mitigate or ameliorate that loss, by providing a continuity of family life?
Hard to tell for me because I really don't feel anything for people's deaths.
 

noahzarc1

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Alpha60 said:
Having had children, for those of you who have also lost one or both of your own parents, does having children in any sense mitigate or ameliorate that loss, by providing a continuity of family life?
My only son is named after my dad. When my dad passed away last year I suppose there was the continuation of his name in the world. However, there is also the sadness my dad will not see what his grandson will grow to be or misses out on seeing my other two daughters and how they're growing. I guess for me the loss of my dad made me realize the continuation of life. My grandfather died before I was born and I grew up listening to my dad tell me all about my grandpa, that was all I knew of him. Now it is the same for me with my kids. Given their ages when my dad passed away (perhaps my oldest will have small memories of him) by and large what they will know about my dad or see of him will be from me. March of 2018 made me realize it was that point in life to be in the world without a dad. Only by the grace of God can I live to be an age where my son is grown and independent when I leave this earth. I feel so much for Children who lose their parents at young ages.

The loss wasn't mitigated. It was more of a fact I realize my dad had prepared me to live life on my own, which I must do without him.
 

Arachne

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Alpha60 said:
Arachne said:
It's a no from me. If anything, it keeps reminding me of the loss, distant as it is now, because with every new achievement of my son, I can't help thinking how proud his namesake grandfather would be to see it.

I don't believe grief ever gets better, we just get better at coping with it. Losing someone you love leaves a hole shaped like them in your self; nothing and no one else can fit to close it. And that's all right.
Indeed, I can understand that.  But, put it another way: if your parents had died and you had no family, no one else you loved, would that be worse than losing them but having your children and husband?

My mother’s health has much improved, but I have grown distant from my cousins (we were almost like siblings growing up) and I really don’t have anyone else that I am close to at the moments; lots of friends, close friends even, but no one I could really call a “loved one.”  Now, my desire is to integrate my aunt and her husband into my life more, but long term, let me put it to you like this -

Is it better to have people you love left in your life?  And is parenting a good way to get that?

And I should stress I do not mean one way love, that is, people who love you, rather I mean the sort of sacrificial love required in a relationship, or indeed the sacrifices we make to take care of our grandparents and our parents and other elders as they age?

Another way of looking at it: given where you are now, are you glad you have your family?  Is it a source of fulfillment and something that can provide comfort (while at the same time also requiring comfort and much labour from you)?
We're human, we need other people to love and care for. I'm just not positive we need to be related to them. Still, never having been completely alone in the world, I'd rather not speculate how that would affect the way I connect with others.

Due to some logistical peculiarities, my life would have been very, very different if I hadn't gone on with marriage and parenting. Objectively harder, but not necessarily worse. Any family woman who claims she's never wished she had remained single is either lying or internalising expectations as wishes.
 
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