Irened
Elder
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2017
- Messages
- 404
- Reaction score
- 348
- Points
- 63
- Location
- USA
- Faith
- Orthodox Christian
- Jurisdiction
- GOARCH
Warning: May be disturbing and sad.
Hi all. The following may be hard to read. I'm active on this forum a lot and I may seem like a normal person, but I am in the most abnormal and horrific of situations.
I can no longer endure my extreme spiritual and physical sufferings. I'm falling big-time into complete despair and I have zero hope. I do want His strength to endure (which I've had in the past) but I also long for things to get better for me.
I am completely bed confined and cannot sit up (since 2019). Due to a mineral deficiency and whatever underlying is causing it that no doctor can figure out. Now I have some additional problems with my brain/head/neck area that makes it even more impossible to sit upright.
I also have demonic oppression/possession due to some grave sins in my past. I mean, actual demons entering my body and doing all sorts of things to me and through me and in me. It's been especially bad for a few months now. Unbelievable actually. And I just cannot take it anymore.
The good Lord has done a huge number of miracles for me in my life, even healing me from disability in 2015 and making me well again and even also sent an exorcist and a piece of His actual Holy Cross to me to help me and I completely blew it with my sinful and ungrateful attitude and actions. I've "stoned all the prophets" He had sent to me by my lack of obedience and murmuring.
Now, for a few years now due to my sins, "something worse has come upon me." (John 5:14) And I'm the worst I've ever been in body and soul. I'm trapped, sick in bed with demons day and night. I can't enter a church because I can't tolerate even being in a reclining wheelchair. It seems I'm meant to be alone and isolated. I can't help but feel utterly rejected due to this. Does He not want me in His house, not even for a few seconds to light a candle?
The last time I was in church was in late 2018, I was wheeled out of there in an ambulance stretcher on my way to the ER. I had collapsed during the liturgy because my disabling illness came back. A few months later I became completely bed confined.
I've been able to endure, thanks to Him through calling on the Theotokos and the Saints day and night, but the past few days I feel the rug has been pulled from under me and I lost His grace to endure this all and maintain some kind of hope. This has happened many times over the years. Up and down. But this time feels different, but maybe it's because after so long like this, I've hit a brick wall and am severely burnt out.
Hi all. The following may be hard to read. I'm active on this forum a lot and I may seem like a normal person, but I am in the most abnormal and horrific of situations.
I can no longer endure my extreme spiritual and physical sufferings. I'm falling big-time into complete despair and I have zero hope. I do want His strength to endure (which I've had in the past) but I also long for things to get better for me.
I am completely bed confined and cannot sit up (since 2019). Due to a mineral deficiency and whatever underlying is causing it that no doctor can figure out. Now I have some additional problems with my brain/head/neck area that makes it even more impossible to sit upright.
I also have demonic oppression/possession due to some grave sins in my past. I mean, actual demons entering my body and doing all sorts of things to me and through me and in me. It's been especially bad for a few months now. Unbelievable actually. And I just cannot take it anymore.
The good Lord has done a huge number of miracles for me in my life, even healing me from disability in 2015 and making me well again and even also sent an exorcist and a piece of His actual Holy Cross to me to help me and I completely blew it with my sinful and ungrateful attitude and actions. I've "stoned all the prophets" He had sent to me by my lack of obedience and murmuring.
Now, for a few years now due to my sins, "something worse has come upon me." (John 5:14) And I'm the worst I've ever been in body and soul. I'm trapped, sick in bed with demons day and night. I can't enter a church because I can't tolerate even being in a reclining wheelchair. It seems I'm meant to be alone and isolated. I can't help but feel utterly rejected due to this. Does He not want me in His house, not even for a few seconds to light a candle?
The last time I was in church was in late 2018, I was wheeled out of there in an ambulance stretcher on my way to the ER. I had collapsed during the liturgy because my disabling illness came back. A few months later I became completely bed confined.
I've been able to endure, thanks to Him through calling on the Theotokos and the Saints day and night, but the past few days I feel the rug has been pulled from under me and I lost His grace to endure this all and maintain some kind of hope. This has happened many times over the years. Up and down. But this time feels different, but maybe it's because after so long like this, I've hit a brick wall and am severely burnt out.
