Forgiveness and Repentence

sprtslvr1973

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I am afflicted.
All my adult life, I have been plagued by two things:

1) righteous indignation over bad experiences with people, sometimes in the distant past. I have begged God to take this poison from me, yet somehow, it always comes back. It is a burden that is becoming too much to bear.

2) Conversely, for better or worse, I cannot forgive myself for my own evil towards people. I have been a b**t***d in my own right.  Never forgiving myself is also killing me.

Please help
 

Deacon Lance

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I would say you need a spiritual director.  Have tried contacting any monasteries near you?
 

sprtslvr1973

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Not an Orthodox Christian monastery, but I have confided in Christian spiritual guides (pastors, priests). They have tried, reminding me that it is for me to forgive and no more.
I try...really I do...just forgetting is soooo darn bard...
 
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I know I struggle with conflicting  thoughts but realize I just have to deal with it. Even as I stumble, I also take a proactive approach in applying the Lord’s commandments ( love God & neighbor, golden rule etc.) in my attitude in prayer, alms giving etc. I just try to do it in an overall sense. St. Peter ( 1 Peter 4:8, Proverbs 10:2 ) says love covers a multitude of sins. I have plenty of sin to work out, not real bright but I have been blessed to still pray, give alms, & do a few things for myself & others ( like give blood etc.).

Mind you, I do not know what you are going through. I am just trying to show how a sinner as myself tries to work out salvation in fear & trembling.
 

Ainnir

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To me, forgiving is letting go of personal retribution and releasing the person (or ourselves) back to God to deal with in His infinite wisdom, justice, and mercy.  It does not mean trust is restored, that there aren't lingering effects of the sin, that the sin was ok, that there won't be consequences for the sin, or that it will be like the sin never happened. Forgetting is something that seems misinterpreted in my experience.  It's like we think of forgetting as the knowledge not being there at all, whereas I think perhaps it might simply mean relating to and regarding the person as if they had not done that thing, seeing them the way God sees them, and not holding the thing against them or defining them by it.  I think this takes us longer and can't be forced--perhaps reaching that point indicates complete healing from past hurts.
 

WPM

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Christ says to forgive your brother then He will forgive your sins.
 

sprtslvr1973

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Ainnir said:
To me, forgiving is letting go of personal retribution and releasing the person (or ourselves) back to God to deal with in His infinite wisdom, justice, and mercy.  It does not mean trust is restored, that there aren't lingering effects of the sin, that the sin was ok, that there won't be consequences for the sin, or that it will be like the sin never happened. Forgetting is something that seems misinterpreted in my experience.  It's like we think of forgetting as the knowledge not being there at all, whereas I think perhaps it might simply mean relating to and regarding the person as if they had not done that thing, seeing them the way God sees them, and not holding the thing against them or defining them by it.  I think this takes us longer and can't be forced--perhaps reaching that point indicates complete healing from past hurts.
+1
 
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