Irened
Elder
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2017
- Messages
- 345
- Reaction score
- 272
- Points
- 63
- Location
- USA
- Faith
- Orthodox Christian
- Jurisdiction
- GOARCH
I sometimes feel that to be Orthodox, I have to in some ways be dishonest. For example, when I'm in a conversation with a certain friend, we can get into disagreement about certain details from a past conversation, or a memory he has had that I know is incorrect, but he adamantly stated that he is the one that's correct and he gets upset if I challenge this. To resolve it, I sometimes feel like I need to agree with his side of the story to maintain peace, even though I know he is wrong. Or sometimes go along with something I know isn't true because I know the he might blow up if I disagree.
This leaves me feeling like a phoney, and dishonest. And also like I'm enabling someone. I know I could be honest with him and in the end we can just agree to disagree. But that usually leaves hard feelings because a debate about the facts preceded it. With some people, isn't it just better to bow out early and let them believe what they want if that keeps peace?
With strangers that can work, but with friends you have frequent contact with this can leave resentment for me, because then I feel like I constantly have to suck it up and be the better person, and that how I feel doesn't matter (if I was more saint than sinner and had humility, I'm sure I wouldn't care at all). I know that some friendships can be a battle of the egos and my ego is unfortunately alive and well. But in the end, I guess it just makes me feel I can't be real, or myself with someone because I'm so busy trying to be how I think God wants me to be, which in a lot of situations is kind of fuzzy to me. And it makes me feel stifled and like I don't matter.
I wonder if anyone here has felt this way? I know our path to salvation is to deny ourselves. How do we do this in a healthy manner that doesn't lead to bitterness?
This leaves me feeling like a phoney, and dishonest. And also like I'm enabling someone. I know I could be honest with him and in the end we can just agree to disagree. But that usually leaves hard feelings because a debate about the facts preceded it. With some people, isn't it just better to bow out early and let them believe what they want if that keeps peace?
With strangers that can work, but with friends you have frequent contact with this can leave resentment for me, because then I feel like I constantly have to suck it up and be the better person, and that how I feel doesn't matter (if I was more saint than sinner and had humility, I'm sure I wouldn't care at all). I know that some friendships can be a battle of the egos and my ego is unfortunately alive and well. But in the end, I guess it just makes me feel I can't be real, or myself with someone because I'm so busy trying to be how I think God wants me to be, which in a lot of situations is kind of fuzzy to me. And it makes me feel stifled and like I don't matter.
I wonder if anyone here has felt this way? I know our path to salvation is to deny ourselves. How do we do this in a healthy manner that doesn't lead to bitterness?