How Should I Tell My Parents that I want to convert to Orthodoxy?

[GTAsoldier]

Hi everyone. Here's something I want to tell you all:

I currently live with both of my parents (and I'm attending college - starting sophomore year this August 31st). They're both Roman Catholic (Mom - cradle Catholic born in Haiti, Dad - some protestant form in Jamaica but converted to Catholicism to marry Mom). I was brought up Catholic from birth, but all I knew of Catholicism in my growing years was the prayers and attending church. No doctrine education, no proper sense of true 'Catholic' identity (until I went to a Catholic High School which I graduated from). Now that I am inquiring into Orthodoxy and learning more about it's doctrine, worship, etc., how do I tell them?, especially my mother because she insisted to bring me to church this evening but I didn't want to go because I couldn't stand the dry worship and the controversies surrounding the RCC. The times I do actually go to church is on Christmas, Easter, and Holy Week because the worship was much more liturgical. But the majority of masses I've been to were cut down, dry, and just spoken. It bothers me and this made me appreciate Orthodoxy more often because its fully liturgical in the sense of holiness (I've seen a few Orthodox liturgies on youtube, they're beautiful). In addition, alot of what I find in Orthodoxy is more Biblical and more divinely inspired and holy than the Roman Catholic Church. In my recent findings, I'm starting to believe that Orthodoxy is the living embodiment of the truth.

I didn't tell my mother any of what I said, but I do recall one time that I didn't really need to 'go' to Church because I could 'worship at home' (at the time, I had no idea what Orthodoxy was and I was leaning towards some form of Protestantism in my mind). But how do I tell her and my father that I am inquiring into the Orthodox Church because they may not like my decision (I think they may have been influenced by the protestant masses since coming to America so I think their mindset is kinda shaped that way - this may seem random but I'm just saying what's on my mind)?

- GTA

 

[eyesmile]

In my recent findings, I'm starting to believe that Orthodoxy is the living embodiment of the truth.
- GTA

I agree.

In my family I could always count on my Dad to to support me in important decisions if I convinced him that I had a good a reason and an understanding of all the consequences whereas my Mom tended to have more of an emotional response for or against initially, but every family is different. It is because they love you and want what is best for you, but you must put God first in your life.

I would be more concerned about how to survive college with faith intact and you are on the right track.

 

[GTAsoldier]

Thanks

 

[Poppy]

Buy your mum some flowers and your dad some whisky and sit them down and say...."look rents, you would prefer me to be into Orthodoxy then drugs right??" lolOl

Either that or tell them you have something huge to tell them and book a time to have a family meeting....by the time there mind has gone biserk with all the things it could be....they will be glad its Orthodoxy.

Either that or just dont tell them, like why do you need to even?? Your a adult so just go do your own thing.

 

[mabsoota]

ha ha! u could try that!
i would leave a couple of orthodox pictures lying around or start a conversation about different forms of Christian belief. maybe ask how yr folks felt when yr dad converted, and explore the reasons people convert and whether it matters if the sincerely believe it or just do it to get married.
take several days/weeks to have the conversation and tell them stuff u have learned about history.

take it really slowly.

be good around the house. contribute money if you have a job, also make sure u do yr share of cleaning and cooking.
make sure u r a great person to have around and work as much on yr character as yr intellectual knowledge of orthodoxy.
pray always, read the Bible every day, and don't neglect going to the catholic church. if it is dry to u, use the time to quietly pray for everyone there and during the Bible readings, get yr Bible out and read along with them. if the sermon is boring, just read ahead in the Bible to the next bit (this tip has kept me awake through many non-orthodox sermons... just don't tell anyone my secret!)

expect to get a hard time, and work on meeting animosity with kindness and understanding.
the way u behave now affects very much what people with think of orthodoxy in the future. u r an ambassador, even if u didn't want to be!

 

[Stephanos Nikolaos]

When I began my initial steps of conversion in my mind, I started introducing Orthodoxy to my dad, his wife, and my mom by just explaining different practices of the Orthodox Church to them and introduced the idea to them that I was going to go to Orthodox seminary in joking ways. They seemed to be just interested in some of the concepts and eventually they just sort of accepted the fact that I am Orthodox in theology and will end up in Orthodox seminary. They've been very supportive of since because they are just happy that I am going to try to help people work out their salvation (which I am not surprised about due to the idea of the invisible church). My Methodist pastor and his wife are actually also very supportive of the conversion as well and are friends with an Orthodox Priest who is associated with an Orthodox seminary and they are planning on having me meet him.

So for me it wasn't that hard, but it may be different since your parents are Catholic and may have a different mindset then my family does. My best advice would be to introduce the concept gradually, but that not be the best way to bring it up for you specifically.

 

[Azurestone]

Either that or just dont tell them, like why do you need to even?? Your a adult so just go do your own thing.

Deuteronomy 5:

16 Honour your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live a long time, and it may be well with you in the land, which the Lord your God will give you.

 

[Azurestone]

Have confidence and tell them. They will either understand or they won't.

 

[Achronos]

Have confidence and tell them. They will either understand or they won't.

Are you still attending a GOA parish? IIRC you were RC awhile back.

 

[J.M.C]

Sorry to take things off-topic for a moment:

So for me it wasn't that hard, but it may be different since your parents are Catholic and may have a different mindset then my family does. My best advice would be to introduce the concept gradually, but that not be the best way to bring it up for you specifically.

Hello Stephanos:

I like your avatar of St Nicholas grabbing the executioner's sword... where is it from? I'd like to see it in some more detail.

 

[Poppy]

Either that or just dont tell them, like why do you need to even?? Your a adult so just go do your own thing.

Deuteronomy 5:

16 Honour your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live a long time, and it may be well with you in the land, which the Lord your God will give you.

"I also think, from my own experience as an adult, that it is sometimes necessary to say kindly yet firmly to my mother, "Mom, I appreciate your concern for me, but I am an adult/no longer a child. I am capable of living my own life, discerning my own mission, making my own decisions." PeterTheAlute

http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,38114.msg611017.html#msg611017

So its not dishonouring your rents

 

[Azurestone]

Have confidence and tell them. They will either understand or they won't.

Are you still attending a GOA parish? IIRC you were RC awhile back.

I'll PM you.

 

[Azurestone]

Either that or just dont tell them, like why do you need to even?? Your a adult so just go do your own thing.

Deuteronomy 5:

16 Honour your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live a long time, and it may be well with you in the land, which the Lord your God will give you.

"I also think, from my own experience as an adult, that it is sometimes necessary to say kindly yet firmly to my mother, "Mom, I appreciate your concern for me, but I am an adult/no longer a child. I am capable of living my own life, discerning my own mission, making my own decisions." PeterTheAlute

http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,38114.msg611017.html#msg611017

So its not dishonouring your rents

My other post insisted that you tell them. I do not advocate bending, as an adult, to every will and desire of your parents. Yet, at the same time, I think it is dishonors your parents and yourself to hide your life from your parents. They may or may not agree, but you should be adult enough to hold a rational and firm position, should you feel adult enough to hold it.

 

[Luke]

Tell them you would like to speak with them about something.  It could be in the living room or at a meal.  Make it somewhere where there is no distractions by phone calls or T.V. or anything.  Then nicely thell them you would like to convert to Orthodoxy.  If they get defensive, try to keep your tone nice.  You will not want to elevate the conversational level to a shouting match, even though you or old enough to make your own decisions. They might wonder where you will be going.  Do you have a place in mind?

 

[Asteriktos]

Step 1: "Mom, Dad, I have something to say. At college I met these really interesting people. See... what I'm saying is... I found out who I want to be in life. The Taliban are really just misunderstood! The Jewish-controlled government and media are lying to us! So I'm moving to Afghanistan this Friday to be deindoctrinated and become a true follow of Islam. I hope you understand."

Step 2: Parents freak out.

Step 3: "I was just kidding! I have been thinking about going to this one Orthodox Christian Church, though. That's the Church that Pope John Paul the sainted Second thought was the bees knees. Oh, is my laundry done yet?"

 

[Azurestone]

Step 1: "Mom, Dad, I have something to say. At college I met these really interesting people. See... what I'm saying is... I found out who I want to be in life. The Taliban are really just misunderstood! The Jewish-controlled government and media are lying to us! So I'm moving to Afghanistan this Friday to be deindoctrinated and become a true follow of Islam. I hope you understand."

Step 2: Parents freak out.

Step 3: "I was just kidding! I have been thinking about going to this one Orthodox Christian Church, though. That's the Church that Pope John Paul the sainted Second thought was the bees knees. Oh, is my laundry done yet?"

ROFL

 

[IsmiLiora]

^ See, I always thought that this was the case, but when I told my parents that I wanted to be a missionary in Israel and I was dedicating my life to God, my atheist sister looked better and better to them every minute.


1) Tell them in a mature manner.
2) Don't be confrontational.
3) Do NOT talk negatively ("I didn't believe in the papacy anymore") until they ask you about it specifically. You have a lot of time to hash out the details. Don't start out with bashing the RCC or talking about specific points. It may never get to that, or you may get to that later.

I did 1, but not 2 and 3, and it sure messed up my relationship with my parents for several years.

 

[Alveus Lacuna]

They seemed to be just interested in some of the concepts and eventually they just sort of accepted the fact that I am Orthodox in theology and will end up in Orthodox seminary.

Why are you talking about going to an Orthodox seminary before you are even Orthodox?

 

[Robb]

Just say that your happy there and find peace in Orthodoxy, etc...  I just came out and told my parents at age 18 that I was becoming Orthodox.  They put up a little fuss about it but eventually accepted my decision (Although they certainly thought that it was an eccentric one of mine).

Also, if I were you I'd try to play up the similarities between the two faiths rather then harping on the differences.  My folks were upset that I left Catholicism, but not as upset as when I became a born again Baptist for a while several years before that.  Orthodoxy has so many similarities to Catholicism, just try to promote it to them as the "other side of the coin" as opposed to another dimension. 

 

[JamesRottnek]

More than anything, know why you want to (in their minds) abandon your family's religion to adopt something foreign.  It will make it infinitely easier if you know why you don't think you can stay a Catholic.  Seeing as your parents are Catholic, they may know about the Eastern Catholic Churches.  If that is the case, you also need to come armed with your reasons for not being able to be an Eastern Catholic; why you have to leave the Pope and join the Patriarchs.

I am 17, and just a few months ago I had to work up the courage to tell my mom why I could no longer call myself a Protestant, why I could not be a part of a Protestant church, why I had to become Orthodox.  It is frightening.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is either an anomaly, has no idea what they're talking about, or is flat out lying.  However, once you say it - once it's off your chest - it is an incredible sense of relief.  Don't wait, do it as soon as you can tell your parents why.

 

[Stephanos Nikolaos]

They seemed to be just interested in some of the concepts and eventually they just sort of accepted the fact that I am Orthodox in theology and will end up in Orthodox seminary.

Why are you talking about going to an Orthodox seminary before you are even Orthodox?

Well actually I am going to go to an Orthodox-oriented college to get my B.A. and the Priests who've I talked to so far have mostly been supportive of my enthusiasm of wanting to go to seminary eventually. Guess I shouldn't talk about it in public or before I've been an official member for a few years though. Sorry. =)

Nicholas.

 

[JamesRottnek]

They seemed to be just interested in some of the concepts and eventually they just sort of accepted the fact that I am Orthodox in theology and will end up in Orthodox seminary.

Why are you talking about going to an Orthodox seminary before you are even Orthodox?

Well actually I am going to go to an Orthodox-oriented college to get my B.A. and the Priests who've I talked to so far have mostly been supportive of my enthusiasm of wanting to go to seminary eventually. Guess I shouldn't talk about it in public or before I've been an official member for a few years though. Sorry. =)

Nicholas.

If I may ask, assuming that you're going to a US college, are you going to the west coast one or Hellenic?

 

[Stephanos Nikolaos]

Haha, I hate taking things off topic so much XD. Hellenic.

 

[mabsoota]

i agree with gamaliel and james rottneck. keep it cool, so u don't get ismiliora's problems.
stephanos nikolaos, i am glad u didn't have much trouble, maybe it can encourage us to see it's not always hard.

i had to put up with a LOT of negative comments from people who were sure i had gone right 'off the rails' and into some kind of dodgy heresy. even if i had a hard day and was tired, i would still sometimes have to put up with a long debate on theology, and explain (again) why we don't worship saints or pictures and why we do actually focus on a personal road to salvation and a relationship with God.
it took a lot of patience, but it was good for my soul coz i had to really know my faith and really stay calm under pressure!

then recently i found out a close protestant friend had actually defended me to a pastor who was suggesting i was no longer Christian because i was orthodox. his answer was along the lines of 'well, she's a better Christian than you are so shut up!'

so really, the most important thing is to keep your cool and just nod and listen well through the expected rants and then keep your cool.
as robb said, focus on the similarities and also don't expect people to accept in a day what has taken you months to decide.

keep it cool
(i may have already mentioned this...)
8)

 

[kurtismjohnson]

im in a similar situation, but I dont think my parents  even know what the Orthodox Church is, so theyre just like... "ehhh... whatever." but im an adult too, so at the end of the day, it doesnt really matter anyways.

isnt it sad that we have to worry about what other people think? its as if the Orthodox church was the "weird" church who changed everything and added a bunch of random stuff.  if people would educate themselves, i dont think they would have near as much of a problem!

 

[IsmiLiora]

im in a similar situation, but I dont think my parents  even know what the Orthodox Church is, so theyre just like... "ehhh... whatever."

That was exactly the reaction of my parents too! But when they saw the church for the first time, it finally kicked in. I think they're just glad that it's closer to Catholicism.

 

[kurtismjohnson]

im in a similar situation, but I dont think my parents  even know what the Orthodox Church is, so theyre just like... "ehhh... whatever."

That was exactly the reaction of my parents too! But when they saw the church for the first time, it finally kicked in. I think they're just glad that it's closer to Catholicism.

mine are the opposite. they wish it was closer to protestantism!! haha. its actually more of a problem with my inlaws.  my parents dont really mind either way. i dont think they'd even try to talk me out of becoming roman catholic. 

 

[mabsoota]

it's quite close to protestantism, in that u will read the Bible a lot and study and pray every day (protestants call it a 'quiet time') and we work hard to spread our faith. we believe in personal salvation (just it's a life-long process not a 30 second prayer) and we can pray to God at any time in any place (just we also have set prayers as well).

i explained it to my 13 year old friend today that protestantism is like a fasting chocolate cake (black chocolate, veg margarine, no eggs etc) and orthodoxy is like a fully chocolate cake with cream (so sorry to mention that in the fast, just i thought it was a useful picture).
we believe in the same chocolate (sorry - God) but our faith is the full fat variety.

 

[Xenia1918]

My mother converted to Orthodox Judaism in 1944, from Roman Catholicism, but she did not tell her father because he was a very devout Roman Catholic.

He died exactly 10 years later, never knowing.

I don't know if I would recommend waiting to convert until your parents are no longer with us, but I suppose its a possibility. Or maybe just not tell them, as my mother chose to do.

Another option might be to show them how close Orthodoxy is to Roman Catholicism, and remind them that although the issue of papal infallibility is a big issue, not even the RCC believed it formally until Vatican I when it was declared as a dogma every RC must believe.

 

[IsmiLiora]

I don't know if I would recommend waiting to convert until your parents are no longer with us, but I suppose its a possibility.

Well, that's taking "obey your mother and father" a little too far, no? What if the saints had waited around until their parents had passed away? :-/

 

[Xenia1918]

I don't know if I would recommend waiting to convert until your parents are no longer with us, but I suppose its a possibility.

Well, that's taking "obey your mother and father" a little too far, no? What if the saints had waited around until their parents had passed away? :-/

I agree. When I chose to become a Traditional RC back in 1978, my Mom was OK with it (probably because she had been RC once, and understood the attraction), but my Dad was not; he saw it as a betrayal of being Jewish, esp. with the history of the RCC and Jews.

I suspect he would have felt even more so re: the Orthodox Church, esp. since his parents barely survived a pogrom in Russia in the early 1900s. Its one reason why I'm frankly relieved my Dad has already passed on now that I am entering the Orthodox Church.

 

[Asteriktos]

I don't know if I would recommend waiting to convert until your parents are no longer with us, but I suppose its a possibility. Or maybe just not tell them, as my mother chose to do.

This is not an option, IMO.

 

[HabteSelassie]

Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

I would like to comment as a teacher within our Youth Ministry in my local parish, and as a brother who very much works day to day to assist in the spiritual growth of teenagers and young adults.

While the OP is clearly an adult and has the right to speak for himself, for all those under-18 catechumens and interested converts, understand that a primary tenet of Orthodox is respect of parental authority.  So folks should ALWAYS consult their parents for permission and guidance when looking into new Churches including coming to Orthodox. Churches are social institutions and it of course parents' rightful business to know which social institutions their children (even as teenagers) are involved with, and it would downright wrong for any Orthodox parishes to embrace a young convert in hostility to their parents.  Further, I think any father within Orthodox would not Baptize a teenager without parental support understanding to respect the family structure.  After all, if such young people are sincerely converting, surely the will be just as available when under their own consent as adults.  I would be wary of advising teenagers to defy their parents for Orthodox, and I have spoken about this on this forum before in similar circumstances. It is a severe conflict of interest to divide families over Orthodox conversion with teenagers, this is a matter for consenting adults in this regard.

I am confident that God will bless all those who are coming to Orthodox, but such things must be orderly and in accordance with tradition.  For example, some young Catholics here have expressed interests in conversion, but that is contrary to our teaching and these should respect their parents until adulthood and then under their own rightful consent come into Orthodox.  Some of Protestant backgrounds should also respect their parents until such time. In regards to children and young adults, we in Orthodox must be reverently respectful of the Traditions of others. Of course, I would be sure that even in these instances, in the Grace of God many parents would support their children, as kids can get into much worse things then new Churches

stay blessed,
habte selassie

 

[Xenia1918]

Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

I would like to comment as a teacher within our Youth Ministry in my local parish, and as a brother who very much works day to day to assist in the spiritual growth of teenagers and young adults.

While the OP is clearly an adult and has the right to speak for himself, for all those under-18 catechumens and interested converts, understand that a primary tenet of Orthodox is respect of parental authority.  So folks should ALWAYS consult their parents for permission and guidance when looking into new Churches including coming to Orthodox. Churches are social institutions and it of course parents' rightful business to know which social institutions their children (even as teenagers) are involved with, and it would downright wrong for any Orthodox parishes to embrace a young convert in hostility to their parents.  Further, I think any father within Orthodox would not Baptize a teenager without parental support understanding to respect the family structure.  After all, if such young people are sincerely converting, surely the will be just as available when under their own consent as adults.  I would be wary of advising teenagers to defy their parents for Orthodox, and I have spoken about this on this forum before in similar circumstances. It is a severe conflict of interest to divide families over Orthodox conversion with teenagers, this is a matter for consenting adults in this regard.

I am confident that God will bless all those who are coming to Orthodox, but such things must be orderly and in accordance with tradition.  For example, some young Catholics here have expressed interests in conversion, but that is contrary to our teaching and these should respect their parents until adulthood and then under their own rightful consent come into Orthodox.  Some of Protestant backgrounds should also respect their parents until such time. In regards to children and young adults, we in Orthodox must be reverently respectful of the Traditions of others. Of course, I would be sure that even in these instances, in the Grace of God many parents would support their children, as kids can get into much worse things then new Churches

stay blessed,
habte selassie

This is why, although I first became interested in Roman Catholicism at age 16, I did not formally convert until I was 18.

 

[IsmiLiora]

I really do understand the gist, and I don't entirely disagree, but what about the young saints who converted to Christianity, inciting the fury of their parents? I don't even know about too many of them, and I can think of about three, off the top of my head. Surely, there must be more.

I'm just saying that Church history has proven again and again that young people called by God have braved the ridicule and even abuse of their family to join the Church.

 

[GTAsoldier]

They might wonder where you will be going.  Do you have a place in mind?

If you mean the nearest Orthodox Church in my area, well I live in Laurelton, NY. The nearest parishes to me are in Jamaica, Queens (20 minute drive) St. Demetrios (Greek Orthodox), St. Nicholas' Albanian (OCA), St. Andrews (Ukrainian).

Pardon me if I misinterpreted your question.

 

[myrrhbear]

My parents had already passed when I moved over to Orthodoxy, so I was spared that aspect. Still we were movers and shakers in our former church and it caused a bit of a stir when we left, though we tried not to. We gave up what we thought was our life, our entire social life, too, in faith, for what we believed was the Truth. We call it the "pearl of great price" indeed, but we have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. I believe my parents not only understand, but as someone once said, I believe they are Orthodox now!

 

[GTAsoldier]

So I told my parents that I am inquiring about orthodoxy and........it did not go well at all. My mother is at church right now (I'm at home). I told her that I didn't want to come. She (and my father) noticed that I haven't been going to church with with for a while. She started to throw a big fuss and then all of a sudden I told her that I was being disillusioned by Catholicism and that I was inquiring into Orthodoxy. She got mad and she would insist for me to leave St. John's University because it was a 'Catholic' college and that it teaches Catholic theology.

When she left, I called my father on the phone. We had a 30+ minute phone conversation about this and I told him that I was interested in Orthodoxy. Then he went on to tell me that he knows about the Greek Orthodox (he passes by a Greek orthodox festival every now and then). But that's all he knows and then I try to tell him that Catholicism and Orthodoxy have much in common but that I was disagreeing with exclusive Catholic dogma (I told him about what I disagreed with and I pointed out to the Catechism of the RCC but he was like 'so what'). He then acted like a sola scriptua-ist on me and he (and my mom) sees that I am abandoning my religion. I told him that I wasn't abandoning Christianity at all. I just wasn't comfortable at a Catholic mass as of late. I told him that I was reading Orthodox books and then he claimed that I was being brainwashed. And that the [Greek] Orthodox wasn't fitting for a black man in New York and in America.  I was apalled at that statement. Then he claimed to say that the street corner churches were the closest thing to Catholicism that he would agree for me to visit. Then we got into a debate on how they weren't so close to Catholicism as Orthodoxy is. I just learned that he wasn't baptized Catholic, but that he grew up in the Church of God denom and that attending Catholic masses makes sense to him because of what the priest is saying. He won't even come to an Orthodoxy liturgy with me if I wanted to go now that I explained all of this (and I'll be explaining this to my mom when she gets home).

I can't believed all of this has happened. Now I feel more discouraged than ever.  Now I'm sure that my parents won't want me to be an Orthodox Christian :'(

 

[Poppy]

he "would agree for me to visit" ?? How old are you??

crikey tell them THIS IS HOW ITS GOING TO BE but say it polite and don't wait around for a reply

 

[GTAsoldier]

I'm 19. My father just arrived home. I'm going to apologize to him about our last conversation and maybe take things on a lighter note.