I am treated like a child

Quinault

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If your parents can't acknowledge that you are an adult then money=manipulation and power.

There are a ton of parents out there that can lend a bit of money here and there and still see that their children are adults. But when you don't have parents like that, then you need to avoid asking for money at all costs. Otherwise situations like the OP mentions just spiral out of control. The you will end up being an adult child living at home for all eternity.
 

Ebor

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One other question that just occurred to me:  You wrote that your mother is afraid of losing "one of her children".  So you have at least one brother or sister?  Are there health problems on either side?  Is there an older sibling who left or is remote?

 

Achronos

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Quinault said:
If your parents can't acknowledge that you are an adult then money=manipulation and power.

There are a ton of parents out there that can lend a bit of money here and there and still see that their children are adults. But when you don't have parents like that, then you need to avoid asking for money at all costs. Otherwise situations like the OP mentions just spiral out of control. The you will end up being an adult child living at home for all eternity.
Yeah that makes sense. I've asked my rents in the past for some cash to help with bills, but that was when I was already moved out.

Good advice all around, sorry to hear about your past.
 

Quinault

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Man, sorry about all the typos above. Juggling a 2 and 4 year old, 2 kittens, a 6 mth preggo belly and low blood sugar is effecting my typing abilities. :p
 

brandb

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McB said:
brandb said:
McB said:
doubtingthomas said:
To address some replies:

First, I have been applying for jobs like: McDonald's, Walmart, meat cutting with the Somali refugees at the slaughter house.
I have never heard back from any of these places and I think it's just because having a college degree would make me overqualified, and even maybe more qualified than the foreman/supervisor/manager?

Second, I did try to enlist, I don't qualify for the military, enlisted or officer (long story short).

Third, this thread wasn't really a discussion on employment to begin with, however the individuals around my parents' age seemed to get caught up on that one unemployment detail....why is that? I'm searching high and low for a job, the issue is autonomy, not employment.

As much as corporations might have brainwashed you to believe it, the rights of a person are not dependent on whether or not they're employed lol

(Yes, I realize those comments are immature, sassy, and I will regret them later, but for now I'm feeling bratty, so I'll take my moment lol)
Yeah, you are not exactly bolstering your argument here.

Just out of purest whimsical curiosity, where do you imagine your "right to autonomy" comes from?
It's called independence. Freedom, liberty, respect or whatever you choose to call it. What exactly is your "purest whimsical curiosity" (which is anything but pure just so we're clear on that.) implying? That a parent has to the right to shackle & bolt their child in their home and control every aspect of their life- which is pretty close to what's happening here? Because where I come from that's called abuse. Of course, living in a parents' home one should adhere to their rules, but there should be boundaries, and when a parent forces their ADULT child out of their boundaries, that's called control.

Yes, Doubtingthomas had a moment. Let him have his moment now, give him a dose of reality later. Take your banter elsewhere, please and thank you.
I am not implying that I in any way feel that the behavior of the OP's parents is appropriate.  In fact, i think it is, as described, quite inappropriate.  But my question wasn't about the behavior of the parents, nor did it imply anything about their behavior or my opinion of it.

I frankly don't know where this supposed right to autonomy comes from and, even if it exists, how it is being violated in this case.  That's why I asked.
^That. You could've just asked ^that rather than dissing the OP on how he "imagines" things. There is no imagining of any kind
being done here. There right and wrong ways to say things. Sorry that I have zero tolerance for sarcasm.  :p

What do you think he means by autonomy and why is that even important? And how in the world does it have nothing
his parents behavior? o_O It's not rocket science, I understand what he means (and it seems that other
people do too), and the point of the thread is not "the definition of autonomy". It's about the OP's [personal autonomy.
He didn't even say he had a "right to autonomy". He mentioned "autonomy" and he mentioned "rights" in 2 different
phrases. And a) He's been very specific about the things he feels he's been denied. Therefore, b) He has already defined
his definition of autonomy, I've also defined a basic "dictionary definition" of autonomy from that perspective. So... yeah...

^But I guess not of a word of that means anything.  ::) 

 

Quinault

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brandb;

Some of the issue is going to be that from an orthodox position personal autonomy is approached from a completely different perspective.

I don't think the OP is looking for autonomy so much as respect. When you respect a person you treat them kindly and don't attempt to force your views on them. The OP can't have autonomy as long as he lives with his parents period, it just isn't possible. When you are essentially still dependent upon your parents they have no reason to treat you like an adult if they don't choose to.
 

FatherGiryus

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I did that in 1991 because there were no jobs when I graduated.  The problem was that by the end of the year, the Japanese economy crashed as well.  :(

akimori makoto said:
My best friend was in a very similar position to yours for many years. One day, he just packed his bags and got on a plane to Tokyo, remaining there to this day.

I told his mother this is what would happen, but ... Parents can blather all they want about "my house, my rules": it is my sincere hope that they don't end up pushing away what they so desperately want to keep in their own lives.
 

brandb

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Quinault said:
brandb;

Some of the issue is going to be that from an orthodox position personal autonomy is approached from a completely different perspective.
Finally, some clarification that makes sense. Okay, I can see how that would be related. Thank you.  :)

I don't think the OP is looking for autonomy so much as respect. When you respect a person you treat them kindly and don't attempt to force your views on them. The OP can't have autonomy as long as he lives with his parents period, it just isn't possible. When you are essentially still dependent upon your parents they have no reason to treat you like an adult if they don't choose to.
Exactly. Sad, but true.
 

doubtingthomas

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Ebor said:
One other question that just occurred to me:  You wrote that your mother is afraid of losing "one of her children".  So you have at least one brother or sister?  Are there health problems on either side?  Is there an older sibling who left or is remote?
I'm super tired so I'm going to answer this one post before bed.

I have three other siblings, all younger brothers. I'm the oldest.

Her fears are not unfounded because I was born basically five months early and shouldn't be alive. Additionally, her father was distant but very controlling when around, while her mother according to her was aloof (I don't believe that of my grandma, but oh well) so she overcompensates for the lack of control in her youth by mandating complete control over everything in adulthood (classic micro-manager) and she wants to avoid her mother's 'failures' at being close by being...a little too involved in our lives. After all of this she is understandably very afraid of losing a child because we constitute her existence as a mother and a person in general since she built her adult psychology around us.

I don't blame her for that. She's a mom after all. But it's frustrating.

Our relationship when I live apart from them is just great. I lived all by myself in Jordan for a year and I had never had a better relationship with my parents. It's just when I get back into their house that things get a little warped.

I don't like to talk about this problem actually. My philosophy is life is too short to get into petty antics like this with the people we love, but it's gotten too much to grin-and-bare recently which is why I looked for outside vindication on the forums.
 

Achronos

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DT I've been in the same shoes before. I made a life changing mistake that I will forever regret. I disagree with the above about parents can either choose not to treat him like an adult or not. Is he not trying to find work? Is he not minding his own business? I think he deserves respect. How many 22 year olds don't bother picking up some work and rather mooch of their parents?

He graduated college too? That demands some respect as well. I don't buy into this garbage of "My house my rules". What is this some sort of barrack? That gives parents permission to do whatever?

Parents need to learn how to respect personal space and privacy. I never had either problem growing up, but I think alot of it stems from an age of helicopter parents.
 

Achronos

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FormerReformer said:
doubtingthomas said:
To address some replies:

First, I have been applying for jobs like: McDonald's, Walmart, meat cutting with the Somali refugees at the slaughter house.
I have never heard back from any of these places and I think it's just because having a college degree would make me overqualified, and even maybe more qualified than the foreman/supervisor/manager?
It might not even be that you're over-qualified. The job market right now is horrible. McDonald's has more applicants than jobs available (and when it's like that for McDonald's it's even worse all around!). I've been trying for the past two years to get a job, and my experience doesn't qualify me for more than some form of sales clerk position. This is two years of searching in several different cities and states. Horrible job market, I can only imagine how much more frustrating it would be for a college grad.

If you don't mind my asking what'd you major in?
And this kind of market places the college grad in a hard situation. Many grads have student loan debt, how are they going to cover it going into a market that really has no job prospects. 2 years is crazy bro, hopefully my unsolicited prayers for you help. Lord have mercy!
 

Heorhij

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Doubtingthomas, is there any chance you could go to graduate school in a different city? That's how I "detached" myself frm my parents 30 yeas ago. I lived with them throughout college (till 1981), but then I applied to a graduate program in Moscow (my parents' apartment was in Kyiv, Ukraine), and got in. It was a splendid chance finally to begin living independently.

If your grades are good, a graduate program might accept you and pay you a scholarship. I know it's tricky and it might be disappointing to apply, but there are so many of these grduate programs in the USA, and so many sources of financing. Just a thought.
 

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I'm sorry, but that's just how parents are. When I was your age I was a corporal in the Marine Corps and my mom would still tell me to "be careful" whenever I went anywhere. Parents are parents, and parenting is what they do. The whole concept of you growing up and becoming an adult is probably still relatively new to them. The best you can do is find a job that will support yourself and start a life of your own. The more you "do", they more there is for them to recognize. Just wait until they have their first grandchild, I don't know if I've ever met anyone who didn't say "I'm too young to be a grandparent".

Just some thoughts, even though probably not the thoughts you would like to hear.
 

primuspilus

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You probably wont like what I have to say but since this is a public forum........

Sorry bud, but if you have no job, no transportation, and are living at home you are subject to their rules and the way they want to do things. Evidently, you are an adult by matter of age, but not responsibility or maturity. An adult wouldn't belly-ache about how they're being treated by people who opened their home to you and are taking care of you.

You really cant complain how they're treating you. They really dont have to do anything for you anymore. This is evenly doubly so if you dont pay rent or bills or anything. Even if you do help out, its their house and they are helping you. in fact, I think its kind of insulting to them that you're complaining about it.

I suggest finding anything and get out of there. It might not be what your degree is in (Lord knows my job has nothing to do with my Comp. Science degree) but Wal-Mart and McDonalds is hiring. Granted, McDonalds wont give you a livlihood but you'll be atleast standing on one of your two feet. I gotta say Im with your parents on this one. Grow up, get a job doing anything that pays and get a place.

You say you're an adult then act like one and take care of yourself.

PP
 

biro

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Doubtingthomas, I didn't mean to be offensive. I just thought that if you had a new job and a different place to live, at least for a while, it may be a small improvement compared to the stress at home. I wish you the best.
 

IsmiLiora

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primuspilus said:
You probably wont like what I have to say but since this is a public forum........

Sorry bud, but if you have no job, no transportation, and are living at home you are subject to their rules and the way they want to do things. Evidently, you are an adult by matter of age, but not responsibility or maturity. An adult wouldn't belly-ache about how they're being treated by people who opened their home to you and are taking care of you.

You really cant complain how they're treating you. They really dont have to do anything for you anymore. This is evenly doubly so if you dont pay rent or bills or anything. Even if you do help out, its their house and they are helping you. in fact, I think its kind of insulting to them that you're complaining about it.

I suggest finding anything and get out of there. It might not be what your degree is in (Lord knows my job has nothing to do with my Comp. Science degree) but Wal-Mart and McDonalds is hiring. Granted, McDonalds wont give you a livlihood but you'll be atleast standing on one of your two feet. I gotta say Im with your parents on this one. Grow up, get a job doing anything that pays and get a place.

You say you're an adult then act like one and take care of yourself.

PP
I'm not sure what doubtingthomas's situation was, but he's not kidding about the job market out there. I applied to Wal-Mart and McDonalds. I didn't catch on for several months that I had to leave off my college degree and other former jobs, etc. I literally handed in a half empty resume, got an interview, and then promptly "scared" them. 

The woman interviewing me at Target was so flustered because she couldn't spell the words "Philippines" or "Ukraine," when she was doing my interview. Another retail place I interviewed, the people spent a good hour talking to me about my projects but said that they didn't want to hire me with all that I was planning to do since it looked like I was about to get a job.  ::)

I can't even tell you the utter shame it was when I got my most recent job, which isn't easy, but doesn't require a college degree. My boss kept telling me that I was too overqualified and that I'd hate the job. I told him that I didn't care, looked him in the eye, and said, "I've been doing this [job hunting] for a year now. I know your rate and the deal, and I'll take it if you give it to me." I had to get a job like THAT, with the manager trying to talk me out of it in the interview multiple times.

We don't know DT's story, but when I heard one more person telling me to pull myself up by the bootstraps, oh, boy, it made me even more depressed. I was already looking for 2 level (Department of Labor stats ;) ) work with my degree. My pride was out the window. And it didn't quite happen the way I needed it to at the time.

And there's a difference between abiding a curfew, maybe, and being told when to go to bed when you're TWENTY TWO. That is crazy pants no matter what the situation.

Doubting Thomas, my prayers are with you.
 

Achronos

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IsmiLiora said:
And there's a difference between abiding a curfew, maybe, and being told when to go to bed when you're TWENTY TWO. That is crazy pants no matter what the situation.
Finally some sanity in this thread.
 

Jonathan Gress

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This whole discussion makes me grateful I have two part-time jobs that pay above minimum wage, even though I'm over-qualified for them and am earning less than what I got from my graduate school stipend.

And I really like what Ismi said about the effect on her pride. I suspect this is part of the reason why God allows us to fall into these situations.
 
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