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I'm having "the talk" with my roommate, and need advise.

trevor72694

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I live in my one room dorm room with another guy.  Things have been going pretty well.  He's from another town and lives there 24/7, and I go home on the weekends.

I was hoping to avoid this conversation.  It's literally the thing I'm most afraid about during college.  The "sex in the dorm" talk.

He just texted me and told me his girlfriend would come to our room sometimes and spend the night with him, and if I was okay with that. 

I didn't know how to respond (I still don't.)

The fact is that I'm not comfortable with it at all. 

I've responded, and asked him to limit her stays to the weekends, when I'm not there.

How should I handle this?  Am I being unreasonable? 
 

dcommini

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Tikhon.of.Colorado said:
I live in my one room dorm room with another guy.  Things have been going pretty well.  He's from another town and lives there 24/7, and I go home on the weekends.

I was hoping to avoid this conversation.  It's literally the thing I'm most afraid about during college.  The "sex in the dorm" talk.

He just texted me and told me his girlfriend would come to our room sometimes and spend the night with him, and if I was okay with that. 

I didn't know how to respond (I still don't.)

The fact is that I'm not comfortable with it at all. 

I've responded, and asked him to limit her stays to the weekends, when I'm not there.

How should I handle this?  Am I being unreasonable? 
from my army experience if one person had a problem out of a group of guys rooming together than they would have to respect that (YMMV with the army though).

However, he does not have to respect your wishes. If there is something in the rules of the dorm that this situation is breaking, kindly remind him of that. If he does not respect your wishes and constantly has his gf over and it makes you uncomfortable I would then seek out an RA or somebody else to see about changing rooms/roommates due to irreconcilable difference.
 

scamandrius

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It's your room. It's not hers.  If he wants to spend time with his girlfriend, he can do so with her while you're out of town.  Propose that. Or what's wrong with her place?  It sounds like he's asking you to take a hike whenever he wants and it doesn't work that way. You shouldn't be the one doing the sacrificing as this is your room, too.  Be firm about it.  But, since the school year is young, you don't want to come off too strong because things will probably be only more heated and confrontational every time you see one another. 

Also, I'm assuming you live in an actual dorm room.  Usually, at semester, you can put in request for a new room and/or roommate.  If this persists, do that.  Until then, keep calm but don't be so accommodating.  
 

Quinault

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I would get sarcastic.

"Yeah, not cool. I don't want to listen to you bumping and grinding all night. If you want Nookie, do it somewhere else. I will do the same."
 

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I'm in literally the EXACT same situation, and I'm probably as anti-premarital sex as much as someone can be. It's his dorm as much as yours. He can do what he wants; he's your roommate, not your tenant. Obviously it won't be while you're there, so honestly it is none of your business.
 

scamandrius

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William said:
I'm in literally the EXACT same situation, and I'm probably as anti-premarital sex as much as someone can be. It's his dorm as much as yours. He can do what he wants; he's your roommate, not your tenant. Obviously it won't be while you're there, so honestly it is none of your business.
But it affects whether he can be in that room so it very much is his business. 
 

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I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
 

ialmisry

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My first response would be tell that's fine, as long as they don't mind you watching and/or self stimulating at the time.  That however, would not be helpful.

I'm assuming that the issue is that it is a single room.

Since you leave during the weekends, they have all that time to do whatever they like.  You are being more than fair.  I would, if you tell him that though, give him advance warning if you are staying the weekend for any reason, as you giving them the green light for that time will cause them to plan accordingly.

Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating.  Oh, well.
 

scamandrius

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ialmisry said:
Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating.  Oh, well.
+1.  The icons are watching you!
 

ialmisry

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William said:
I'm in literally the EXACT same situation, and I'm probably as anti-premarital sex as much as someone can be. It's his dorm as much as yours. He can do what he wants; he's your roommate, not your tenant. Obviously it won't be while you're there, so honestly it is none of your business.
Don't assUme that it won't be while he's not there.  I could tell you more, but it might get me banned.
 

Antonis

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biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
What benefit is this post?

Honestly, why are so many on this forum constantly sarcastic and rude? It doesn't make you better than people.
 

biro

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ialmisry said:
biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
He thought it great to tell Tikhon what to do.
Huh? He asked Tikhon to join in, or something that I'm not aware of?

Tikhon's not his Mom.

When I was in school, they used to ask you on the applications if you did not want to room with any particular person. That was an opportunity to speak up. If there was any similar thing on Tikhon's application, and he did not take advantage of that, he missed his chance. He now has to talk to the guy and hash it out.

I really doubt the other guy is going to respond well to being told to stop his life because it's against Tikhon's religion.

Either Tikhon should move out, or the other guy should. See if the campus has some kind of student court. Move in with a different student. Find someone who believes the same thing as him, and move in with them instead. End of problem.

Or, he can fight about it all year.
 

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Antonis said:
biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
What benefit is this post?

Honestly, why are so many on this forum constantly sarcastic and rude? It doesn't make you better than people.
I don't think I was rude. It is a real problem and someone has to confront it. I didn't say I was better than anyone.

Sorry I don't have a right to say what I think.
 

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If they want to have sex, it shouldn't be in front of you i.e they think you are asleep so they go at it while you are in the room. It is called respect. Staying overnight isn't generally about cuddling. At the very least it would keep Trevor up if they are talking and watching movies all night even if they aren't having sex. What if Trevor likes to sleep in his boxers but doesn't want this woman there while he is doing it?

Ask him if you gay lover can stay the night (even if you don't have one) I suspect he wouldn't like the idea either. Even the people I know that are fine and dandy with homosexuals don't want to be there to witness the act.
 

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Tell him, "No STDs allowed in the room."
 

Quinault

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If they want to have sex while you aren't there, then you can't say anything. But it is absolutely fine to say that you don't want her staying overnight while you are in the room.
 

ialmisry

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biro said:
ialmisry said:
biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
He thought it great to tell Tikhon what to do.
Huh? He asked Tikhon to join in, or something that I'm not aware of?

Tikhon's not his Mom.

When I was in school, they used to ask you on the applications if you did not want to room with any particular person.
the roommate's girlfriend I am quite sure was not mentioned in the applications.

biro said:
That was an opportunity to speak up. If there was any similar thing on Tikhon's application, and he did not take advantage of that, he missed his chance. He now has to talk to the guy and hash it out.

I really doubt the other guy is going to respond well to being told to stop his life because it's against Tikhon's religion.
no one told him to stop his life.  He can go to her place, or get a room.

biro said:
Either Tikhon should move out, or the other guy should. See if the campus has some kind of student court. Move in with a different student. Find someone who believes the same thing as him, and move in with them instead. End of problem.
And the first semester? (more schools won't let you switch until then, at least).

biro said:
Or, he can fight about it all year.
Tikhon, maybe you should ask if you can take pictures.  After all, if they feel free to do anything in your room, you should feel equally liberated.  Do you have a skype?
 

ialmisry

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biro said:
Antonis said:
biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
What benefit is this post?

Honestly, why are so many on this forum constantly sarcastic and rude? It doesn't make you better than people.
I don't think I was rude. It is a real problem and someone has to confront it. I didn't say I was better than anyone.

Sorry I don't have a right to say what I think.
you can say anything you like.  You just can't do it without receiving a response.
 

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Hmm. An awkward situation, no doubt, but I can't imagine the roommate not being okay with that. After all, you're not proposing a blanket ban on all such activity, only asking that they confine it to times when you are not there. Seems very reasonable to me, since most people do not want an audience for their intimate times.

This thread makes me glad I was a bit older than the average undergraduate when I decided to quit putzing around in the service industry and get my BA. I found a small apartment, far away from any campus dorm situation, and lived there by myself. Other than drunken neighbors requiring one call to the police (extremely drunk boy-man was threatening to jump from the fourth-story balcony onto the concrete walkway below, which no doubt would've ended badly), and my bad luck in coming down with walking pneumonia twice during my last term, my time as an undergraduate was uneventful. I hope that everyone in this thread who is facing potential roommate issues will likewise find some situation which will allow them to dedicate themselves to whatever they are studying, rather than worrying about catching an unwanted eyeful/earful of somebody else's sex life.
 

Mor Ephrem

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ialmisry said:
My first response would be tell that's fine, as long as they don't mind you watching and/or self stimulating at the time.  That however, would not be helpful.
ialmisry said:
Tikhon, maybe you should ask if you can take pictures.  After all, if they feel free to do anything in your room, you should feel equally liberated.  Do you have a skype?
LOL.  

I was the guy that went home most weekends while the roommate never went home unless the university forced him to leave the dorm.  Any time I had a new roommate, this issue (if it even came up...people generally were respectful of others, even in early 2000's New York) was a very simple thing to talk about and reach an agreement on.  The only sex I ever walked in on was in common showers.  There's no way to negotiate that other than to wear flip flops.  

ialmisry said:
Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating.  Oh, well.
 

What if he comes back from the weekend and finds they were all turned around or had those Slavic towel-like coverings draped over them?  
 

ialmisry

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Mor Ephrem said:
ialmisry said:
My first response would be tell that's fine, as long as they don't mind you watching and/or self stimulating at the time.  That however, would not be helpful.
ialmisry said:
Tikhon, maybe you should ask if you can take pictures.  After all, if they feel free to do anything in your room, you should feel equally liberated.  Do you have a skype?
LOL.  

I was the guy that went home most weekends while the roommate never went home unless the university forced him to leave the dorm.  Any time I had a new roommate, this issue (if it even came up...people generally were respectful of others, even in early 2000's New York) was a very simple thing to talk about and reach an agreement on.  The only sex I ever walked in on was in common showers.  There's no way to negotiate that other than to wear flip flops.
And here I thought it was only my dorm. :eek:
Mor Ephrem said:
ialmisry said:
Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating.  Oh, well.
 


What if he comes back from the weekend and finds they were all turned around or had those Slavic towel-like coverings draped over them?  
Go all Greek Masonic, and put up the all seeing eye.
 

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ialmisry said:
Go all Greek Masonic, and put up the all seeing eye.
Or Russian Sophianic:



Isn't the picture you posted from Vatopaidi?
 

Mor Ephrem

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ialmisry said:
And here I thought it was only my dorm. :eek:
I suspect that all great men are forged in similar crucibles.  :p

In my junior year I had the use of a car, so I didn't go home on the weekends much.  I had a roommate one year in a four person suite whose regular Saturday afternoon routine included several hours of self-stimulation while listening to Tears For Fears at high volume.  We got along just fine, but if I came back from lunch to find the door was locked and I could sing along to "Shout, shout, let it all out", I just went right to my car and took a drive.  By the time I came back from Vespers, everyone was happy.  Everyone.  

Go all Greek Masonic, and put up the all seeing eye.
If you can manage to install a webcam in the eye without being caught, all the better!  
 

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If you guys are in a room the size of a postage stamp like I was, then the both of them should understand with such close quarters you all would be mere feet from each other...can't see how your room mate wouldn't think of that along with your request and plan around your being gone. If it is something like a quad/apartment thing where you have your own bedrooms then there isn't much you can tell him unless they're overly vocal.  :-\

 

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if you just ask them to limit to when you are not there, that is more that reasonable.
after all, he has been kind enough to ask you, so just tell him right out that you like to keep private things private.
most people find it difficult to sleep when someone is having sex right next to them or in the bunk bed below.
nothing to do with religion.

and in return, you can ask his permission to put an icon up on your side of the room.
 

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ialmisry said:
Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating. 
It certainly stopped my calvinist grandmother from walking into my room to pinch my cheeks.
 

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biro said:
I'm sure he'll think it's great when you tell him what to do.
He did ask me if it was okay.  Had he not asked me, I wouldn't need to respond and my opinion wouldn't matter. 

I realize that nearly in everyone in college has sex a lot - or so that's what the media has told me.  I was just hoping to avoid this situation with my roommate. 

I want him to do what he wants to do, however I am not comfortable consenting to his girlfriend spending the night with him at random intervals in the week.  Sometimes I don't return home from work until 9 or 10pm, and I don't fancy coming into a musty room with my roommate and his girlfriend "doing it" when I'm exhausted and want to go to sleep.  I would extend to him the same courtesy. 

If this is any sort of plus side, he says his girlfriend says I can watch...  ::)

dcommini, it is actually against the dorm rules for someone to come into a dorm which they do not live in and live as though they do - the school calls this "cohabitation."  I'm not going to tattle on him, however. 

I am confident that we can make this work for the both of us, however I was in a bit of shock when I posted this last night.
 

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When I was in summer school I was dumped in a room with a guy who poinked his girlfriend every night. Every night. We had an "arrangement" (which really meant, I didn't press the issue) where I simply didn't return to the room in the evening until a certain hour; I still walked in on them twice. The whole thing came to a head when he expected me to find somewhere else to live for a weekend so he and his babe could have a poink-a-thon or something. Incredibly, the dorm director backed him up. I did manage to find someone else to live with (who understandingly wasn't happy about gaining a roommate).

Tell him "no". If he needs a motel room, he can get a motel room.
 

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Achronos said:
Making whoopie and nookie, who came up with such stuff?
People who did not want the "children" to hear about such lurid subjects.
 

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This happened to me my Sophomore year.  The Icons worked perfectly.
 

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ialmisry said:
My first response would be tell that's fine, as long as they don't mind you watching and/or self stimulating at the time.  That however, would not be helpful.
I have threatened this before.  It worked exceedingly well.

That said, if you are going to talk the talk you might have to walk the walk, but actions speak louder than words, so fear not.
 

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If they start "doing it" while youre there, you should watch and narrate it like some sort of sports broadcaster. This will likely make them uncomfortable and they will be forced to take their business elsewhere.
 

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You could do something less confrontational, like busting open a big jar of kimchi every time she's expected. Durians are also effective.
 

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Mor Ephrem said:
ialmisry said:
Put lots of icons up to watch.  Maybe it will make them uncomfortable with the fornicating.  Oh, well.
 

What if he comes back from the weekend and finds they were all turned around or had those Slavic towel-like coverings draped over them?  
Then at least you'll know that the roommate takes Tikhon's faith and the icons seriously. They're not just ordinary pictures. It would, IMO, be a good sign.

And, Tikhon, I do like the (somewhat nasty) suggestion about taking pictures. You can do a photo essay entitled "The View from My Side of the Room"  :p ;D.
 

ialmisry

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Keble said:
When I was in summer school I was dumped in a room with a guy who poinked his girlfriend every night. Every night. We had an "arrangement" (which really meant, I didn't press the issue) where I simply didn't return to the room in the evening until a certain hour; I still walked in on them twice. The whole thing came to a head when he expected me to find somewhere else to live for a weekend so he and his babe could have a poink-a-thon or something. Incredibly, the dorm director backed him up. I did manage to find someone else to live with (who understandingly wasn't happy about gaining a roommate).

Tell him "no". If he needs a motel room, he can get a motel room.
another indication of why such private matters are our business.
 
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