A blessed Nativity / Theophany season to all!
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It's been a while. I hope you all are well. I don't know where you all are in the world, but my corner of the US is experiencing crazy weather. If your area is experiencing similar conditions, I hope you're safe and sound under our Lord's protection.
I have made so many mistakes. Here they are. I am really ashamed of myself, but I needed to get this out...
-On the 9th of February, I joined the Roman Catholic Church. I wanted to fit in better with my devout RC friends here at college. Joining the RCC, the Church of my grandmother who first introduced me to Christ, has been on my mind since before I converted to Orthodoxy. I think I needed to experience this. I didn't see how flawed the RCC is, and how Orthodox I truly am in my way of thinking, until I saw it from the inside. Even so, it was so stupid. I forsook my family at Church, my Mother the Church and the relationship I had with my Father in Heaven to better fit in with people that, I later found out, aren't the type I want to fit in with. I'm not one of them, no matter how much I try.
-I had an issue where I was at my lowest point. There is this guy who loves to point out how effeminate I am and how gay I act. He likes to think of himself as the most manly man ever, and even corrects people on what they're doing wrong in Church. In reality, he's bisexual and has been hooking up with guys. Once I found evidence, I wanted to use it against him sooooo badly. I am not a vengeful person. This was a really new experience. I can't even hang out with him anymore because all I want to do is tell him what a hypocrite he is.
-I've been dealing with terrible migraines. I have medicine for them, but it doesn't always help. They hurt to the point of tears, and have stopped me from going to class several times. Luckily, my professors are very understanding.
-I've been diagnosed with dyslexia (dyscalculia.) Before I was diagnosed, I failed the most basic level of math at my university twice. Tutor was no help. I feel like an absolute moron, but I'm told that I will get a more competent tutor next year. Thankfully, my scholarship understands.
-I'm dealing with pretty bad depression. My therapist helps, but sometimes I just want everything to stop for a while. I guess this is normal, but it feels like my life is going too fast for me, and I can't seem to catch up, no matter how hard I try.
Father, my godmother, and my godfather understand. I don't know how they can put up with me. I'm meeting Father for coffee next week, and will be returning to the Church. This will be the second time I've left. Now that i got the RCC out of my system (as disgusting as that is to say) I feel better. I need my Church back. It literally feels like I'm starved for the liturgy.
The semester ends this week. Then I have summer. I need a break from everything and everyone soooo much.
I'm going to the monastery for a while this summer. I need the quiet. Everything is too loud for me right now, and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I feel like I actually dislike myself. I've never felt that way before. I need to leave for a while.
I realize I need to slow down. Especially with my faith. I can't keep telling myself I'm going to become a monk, priest, whatever, and the CONSUME myself with theology, listen to nothing but hymns, and be in Church at each service. I can't keep that up, or I'll burn out, and the cycle will continue.
I feel broken.
P.S. - I've been a grade A bum face to several of you. You were my friends, and I apologize. Liza, especially you. I love you like my sister. I'll private message you soon and we can chat once the craziness of finals is over. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
Trevor- I'm so proud of you!
You're dealing with so much - enough to bring anyone to their knees, and yet you're smart enough to know what's wrong and where you need to be.
I'll pray for you.