Is it possible to lost your service of God?

Indocern

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Is it possible to lost your service of God?
I start living as monk no matter it was not in monastery it was hard. I lived this way two years. And then I failed. But the matter is that I did not do something wrong I do with all my strenght every day and night what I must do. So why God let me fail if he first call me for this service? And then I start again to like girls. So it is not possible to get back to this condition. Even if I try it will be impossible. Then I visit my priest (I never met hem before) and when I hold his hand his first words was "I will be your guest". Then we talked and he said "you have changed". So I don't know how he seen me he is from village and I never seen him before but what exactly it means "you have changed" is it for good or for bad. I though he said so because I lost my service. But since years everything changed. I become in pain every day with no reason. I can't guess where this pain comes from. But I think it is from God just to replace the service with pain? So is my reward can be same? As monk? And if so why I want now girls and what if I get married, how it will be same? When I start thinking of martyrs I think they don't have so much pain. And I try to avoid all kind of sins. So if martyrs have less pain in their life and they are saints it will be not fair to a man who want normal life to have this pain from God. Is it possible for God to never have been break my service of Him?
 

Arachne

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It is entirely possible to be mistaken about what your calling is.

Monks live under guidance from and obedience to their abbot, they don't make it up as they go along. You can't be a monk in the world, all by yourself. Being celibate is not the same thing as a monk.

What you need to do is pray and leave yourself open to God's guidance. He works in His own time, not yours. You create your own pain with the expectations you build up for yourself.
 

Indocern

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Arachne said:
It is entirely possible to be mistaken about what your calling is.

Monks live under guidance from and obedience to their abbot, they don't make it up as they go along. You can't be a monk in the world, all by yourself. Being celibate is not the same thing as a monk.

What you need to do is pray and leave yourself open to God's guidance. He works in His own time, not yours. You create your own pain with the expectations you build up for yourself.
No it is pain from spirits. Since I don't believe in devil and demons I think everything come from God. I asked my priest and told him about this pain. He told me he have been sick with same pain for few years but now is healed. I ask him will I be healed too and he said yes soon. Then after time I ask him why I am not still healed and he said that time was much but to to be in peace he said soon and now is soon. I am ready even to deal with the devil if he exist to stop this pain if it is from demons because there is no other choice. My priest give me hope that I will be married. So I start to think that it will be less pain. But then I understand that there is something wrong. He pray over me in church with prayer from one book for girl who are not for me. He pray to marry her and say her name in the prayer. I ask him after time why you pray for this girl to marry me if you never liked her and he say I never prayed for her. But it was her name in the prayer. So I understand it is all lie.
 

Indocern

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Also there is another problem some spirit pretend to want to care for me and is female and pretend to be mine and sometimes take control of my body. For example I was stressted and feel push of my heart but I won't take pills because I never get them and when I stand up in the room I feel something dark and my body start walking go to the place and get 3 pills (not strong) and drink it then this energy left and I was able to move by myself and even to think by myself. There is other examples I normaly feel shy but then when I see random people I feel perfect peace and make suff I won't make never.
 

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Indocern said:
Also there is another problem some spirit pretend to want to care for me and is female and pretend to be mine and sometimes take control of my body. For example I was stressted and feel push of my heart but I won't take pills because I never get them and when I stand up in the room I feel something dark and my body start walking go to the place and get 3 pills (not strong) and drink it then this energy left and I was able to move by myself and even to think by myself. There is other examples I normaly feel shy but then when I see random people I feel perfect peace and make suff I won't make never.
You should probably see a doctor. Lord, have mercy on your servant Indocern.
 

Indocern

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Also I think that God gives pain to people but I don't know why.

Because there is no demons which can give this pain. They just don't exist.

Once I heard voice of the devil saying to not worry. But I think it is just God's forces pretending there is devil and demons.

So they try to lie to us. But primarily I think there is no evil forces.
 
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