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lame jokes

Maria

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I got this joke by email. They did not say who originally wrote it:



MAN:
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

SHRINK:
Ok. Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to Me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

MAN:
How much do you charge?

SHRINK:
Eighty dollars per visit..

MAN:
I'll sleep on it.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

SHRINK:
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?

MAN:
Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

SHRINK:
Is that so?

[With a bit of an attitude]
And how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?

MAN:
Well, He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.

MORAL:

FORGET THE SHRINKS
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
 

Maria

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Another joke sent by Rudy via email:

We got a new supermarket

                            A while ago a new supermarket opened in
                            Chatswood, Sydney, Australia
                            It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

                            Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
                            of fresh rain.

                            When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of
                            freshly mowed hay.

                            In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

                            When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

                            The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and
                            cookies.



















                            I don't buy toilet paper there anymore
 

PeterTheAleut

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A young boy asked his mother one day, "Mommy, how old are you?"

"Son, we do not ask women how old they are. That's rude."

The next day the boy asks his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Son, we do not ask women about their weight. That's rude."

The next day the boy asks his mom, "Mommy, why did Daddy leave you?"

"Son, that's a very sensitive question. Don't ever ask me that again."


At a play date with friends a couple days later, the boy asks one of his friends how he can gain some more information about his mother. His friend says, "Easy! Take a look at her driver's license. It's like reading her report card."


After snooping around and reading Mom's driver's license as his friend suggested, the boy tells her, "Mommy, I know how old you are."

"Really!?" She replies skeptically.

"Yeah, you're 30. I also know how much you weigh."

Now Mom looks at him even more quizzically.

"You weigh 130 pounds."

"Finally, I know why Daddy left you," the young boy says.

Mom has finally had enough and blurts out, "OK, why did Daddy leave me?"

"'Cuz you got an F in sex."
 

Maria

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http://www.brinkmanonline.com/humor/church/wc.html

The Wayside Chapel ...
 

Maria

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PeterTheAleut said:
A young boy asked his mother one day, "Mommy, how old are you?"

"Son, we do not ask women how old they are. That's rude."

The next day the boy asks his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Son, we do not ask women about their weight. That's rude."

The next day the boy asks his mom, "Mommy, why did Daddy leave you?"

"Son, that's a very sensitive question. Don't ever ask me that again."


At a play date with friends a couple days later, the boy asks one of his friends how he can gain some more information about his mother. His friend says, "Easy! Take a look at her driver's license. It's like reading her report card."


After snooping around and reading Mom's driver's license as his friend suggested, the boy tells her, "Mommy, I know how old you are."

"Really!?" She replies skeptically.

"Yeah, you're 30. I also know how much you weigh."

Now Mom looks at him even more quizzically.

"You weigh 130 pounds."

"Finally, I know why Daddy left you," the young boy says.

Mom has finally had enough and blurts out, "OK, why did Daddy leave me?"

"'Cuz you got an F in sex."
Good ones, PtA
 

Luke

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Question:  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Answer:    Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
 

PeterTheAleut

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Here's one I heard last night:

Q. What do you call a pile of cats?
A. A meowntain.
 

biro

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PeterTheAleut said:
Here's one I heard last night:

Q. What do you call a pile of cats?
A. A meowntain.
Yay!  :)
 

Chiere

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These jokes are really funny. I'm splitting my sides laughing. :)
 

Crucifer

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
 

Asteriktos

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An immature, young man wanted to wed an old man's daughter, but the young man knew that the Father was opposed to the wedding, so rather than ask for his blessing he asked if the old man knew of any advice he could give from the Bible. "Aye," the Father said, "The Bible made this prophecy about you: 'Eat, drink, and get married, and tomorrow you die.'"
 

Georgii

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jmbejdl said:
Tallitot said:
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Never try this one on an actual German - you'll just get a pronunciation lesson.
Meter-long German sausages, hah! Russian sausages are a verst.
 

Georgii

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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.
 

hecma925

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Georgii said:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.
That made me laugh.
 

Georgii

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hecma925 said:
Georgii said:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.
That made me laugh.
That's a running joke between my wife and I: we call movies or any other art with a surrealist bent "fishy".
 

Maria

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You will think.... as you read it ..... Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.








 

Luke

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I was shocked to learn my toaster is not waterproof.  :)
 

Crucifer

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Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
 

hecma925

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Gamliel said:
I was shocked to learn my toaster is not waterproof.  :)
I'll test that theory the next time I take a bath.
 

biro

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A little not-so-serious commentary on the storm that hit the Northeast: "Can you still see your dog?"

http://m.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-30995619
 

Luke

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:) Toward the end of the Super Bowl game, the Seattle assistant coach was speaking with the head coach.  The assistant coach said, “We only have time for one more offensive play.  Let's make a touchdown.”
The head coach replied, “No, I think I'll pass.”
 

Crucifer

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!", and pushed him off...
 

Crucifer

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What does the Secret Service yell when there's a security incident close to the president?
'Donald, Duck!"
 

minasoliman

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How did you do on your Church history paper?

https://twitter.com/panmidwest/status/902685361524105217
 

Luke

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“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” -- Bob Hope
 

Luke

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A photon checks into a motel.  When asked if it needs help with its luggage, the photon replies, "No, I am traveling light."
 

Alpha60

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My mother’s favorite stupid joke, of her own invention (my ego overrides my sense of filial piety and compels me to give credit, if credit is the right word, where credit is due, in this case):

What goes oom?
A cow walking backwards.

:-X
 

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the biggest joke

Heresy!
 

Luke

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YOU MATTER.

Until you travel at the speed of light squared.  Then you energy.
 

Luke

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Crucifer

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Yesterday I was in the grocery checkout line and I told the woman ahead of me she really should be wearing a mask in public. She started to gone about carbon dioxide poisoning, hoaxes, the deep state, constitutional rights etc. I told her I wasn't even thinking about Corona... it was because she's ugly as hell.
 

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Some kinds of jokes are actually pretty funny! :)
 

hecma925

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I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...


But none of them work.
 
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