Orthonorm's Dating and Relationship Advice Column

[orthonorm]

First of all, calm down guys. This server can handle only so many PMs from all you guys asking for wisdom on women.

Now, I cannot answer all your questions at once. I will try to get to them all, but let be honest, there is only of me and evidently hundreds of you.

You might think why should I trust this abrasive guy on the internet who I have never met? Well, look at what your weekends are like now. Without bragging, I am capable of leading a colorful life of dating, committing myself to wonderful monogamous relationships, and more importantly not caring with I am alone or in a relationship.

My neurotic observation of myself and others have allowed me the gift to make somewhat formulaic the charm and charisma of which I am a fount. While it is unlikely you will ever obtain the fluency in dealing with women I was born, you certainly will no longer slouch around unconfidently watching women come and go while you are left with your Xbox as your closest companion.

Your reservations about heeding my words are understandable, as in real life, nearly the first question everyone asks whomever I am with is: Why are you with HIM? Usually guys who will forever be in the dark about how to interact with women on any level.

The entries may be provocative at times. Seem trivial at others. Some perhaps not so kosher from an Orthodox perspective, but some of you need a little freedom to fall and get back up again before you can start getting all hyperOrthodox in your love life. Sides, I see a tendency to believe that your faith stands in your way.

It doesn't.

Feel free to chime in with questions. But I will not suffer too many nay-sayers.

MODs, please allow this thread to continue. The ability for men to find partners to procreate with is of the utmost importance in the growth of Orthodoxy.



 

 

[AveChriste11]

ROFL!!    This reminds me of those "Ladies' Man" skits from Saturday Night Live..

 

[Asteriktos]

Everything I know about picking up womenz I learnt from Ray William Johnson. Unless you have something to add to his system, I don't think this thread will go far.

Nonetheless, I will watch with interest.

Question #1: Where can I find a girl who is freaky but doesn't have any STDs? (seriously)

 

[Achronos]

Considering your lack of skills in the bedroom I will probe this thread with agnosticism.

 

[Achronos]

Also an Orthodox solution: If you are male and single, join ROCOR. I have met plenty of young, eligible Russian girls who seem to be quite keen on settling down and making babies.

 

[Achronos]

Question #1: Where can I find a girl who is freaky but doesn't have any STDs? (seriously)

My girlfriend is taken, sorry.

 

[Punch]

Recently, in San Fransisco of all places, God found a man who reminded Him so much of Solomon that He decided to grant this man a wish.  So He came to the man and told Him, "I have found you to be special among men.  Ask of me anything, and I will grant it to you."  The man thought for a minute and said, "My old mother has always wanted to go to Hawaii, yet she is afraid to fly and gets very sick when she is on a boat.  Could you make a bridge between Hawaii and here so that she could visit by automobile?"  God was very disappointed.  Solomon had asked for wisdom, and this guy wants a bridge to Hawaii.  God said to him "I, who am omnipotent, have wanted to grant you one wish, and this is the best that you could do?  Solomon asked for wisdom, and you ask for a bridge?"  The man was filled with shame and repented and said, "Yes, that was truly frivolous.  Instead, I ask this of You: Could you please help me understand women?"  There was a great silence, like unto had never been experienced on the Earth.  Then God said "Did you want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"

I hope that was not blasphemous, but I think of this story anytime a man proclaims that he is in the business of giving relationship advice.

 

[Melodist]

This reminded me of a song for some reason, well a combination of this and that other thread that was going for a while. Don't know why, just made me think of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUCCjmvdgSQ

 

[vamrat]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

 

[Asteriktos]

Orthonorm? Why have you abandoned us? I saw you online yesterday, so don't give me no malarkey about being away!

 

[Punch]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

You spoke to her.  You should have used ether and then told the security officer that your girlfriend fainted and asked if he could help you carry her to your car.  Or, if you would have thought ahead, you could have had your dad and brothers standing by to help as soon as the ether did its job.

 

[IsmiLiora]

Come on, guys, orthonorm's thread might be a bunch of malarkey on its own. We need proof.

We should have a single female member volunteer to go on a date with orthonorm (Orthodox approved!), return, and report to a council of 5 women. Once we approve, only then will he be permitted to carry on with his advice column.

If there are any volunteers, please PM me. Women only..

Thanks --
IsmiLiora

 

[Melodist]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

This is how it's done.

 

[NicholasMyra]

Is Orthonorm going to discuss the "find a woman at the mall, compare her style of dress to that of a lady of the night, then take it upon yourself to be her shining moral compass after chivalrously offering to buy her a cornucopia of McDonalds hashbrown patties" approach?

Remember, it's only real love if you have to do all the work.

Also:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmD-wDEeOds

 

[Achronos]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

Her loss, goats rule.

 

[KBN1]

This is awesome.

 

[primuspilus]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

Chicks are so touchy......

 

[vamrat]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

Chicks are so touchy......

I know, right?  I found out where she lives and as soon as I get this restraining order taken care of I'm going to proposition her dad directly.

 

[Punch]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

Chicks are so touchy......

I know, right?  I found out where she lives and as soon as I get this restraining order taken care of I'm going to proposition her dad directly.

I'm telling you guys, ether is the way to go.  I mean, I should know, seeing that I am married.

 

[Fabio Leite]

Recently, in San Fransisco of all places, God found a man who reminded Him so much of Solomon that He decided to grant this man a wish.  So He came to the man and told Him, "I have found you to be special among men.  Ask of me anything, and I will grant it to you."  The man thought for a minute and said, "My old mother has always wanted to go to Hawaii, yet she is afraid to fly and gets very sick when she is on a boat.  Could you make a bridge between Hawaii and here so that she could visit by automobile?"  God was very disappointed.  Solomon had asked for wisdom, and this guy wants a bridge to Hawaii.  God said to him "I, who am omnipotent, have wanted to grant you one wish, and this is the best that you could do?  Solomon asked for wisdom, and you ask for a bridge?"  The man was filled with shame and repented and said, "Yes, that was truly frivolous.  Instead, I ask this of You: Could you please help me understand women?"  There was a great silence, like unto had never been experienced on the Earth.  Then God said "Did you want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"

I hope that was not blasphemous, but I think of this story anytime a man proclaims that he is in the business of giving relationship advice.

I know that one a bit differently.

One day a man finds a lamp and out of it comes a genie. "Listen, we're going through tough economic times, so we no longer grant three wishes, just one. So choose wisely." The man thinks hard and says "I want you to solve the problem of poverty in Africa!" The genie rolled his eyes and replied "C'mon, do you see 'Mother Theresa' on my badge? The sheer amount of power to do that goes against all our magic austerity norms, get real man...". The man then thinks a bit more and pulling a photo of a woman from his wallet says "This is my wife, I want you to make her beautiful." The genie put his hand over his mouth, looked for a second and replied "Alright, show me that world map with Africa again..."

 

[orthonorm]

From the PMs (thanks to the Mods for giving a few gigabytes of storage to receive all the PMs) and the replies in this thread, I fear my work shall more difficult than first thought.

Currently nursing or being nursed (let's be honest about who we are talking about here) through some weird immune thing. I have a strange virus, an autoimmune disorder, or cancer.

I am hoping for cancer. I could probably get a buncha my co-workers to run around with my face on a t-shirt in attempt to cure me.

Ain't if it ain't lung cancer, I get a ribbon of some sort as well.

Nevertheless, expect my first attempt to put the pro back into procreation around here by weekend's end.

 

[Irish_Melkite]

From the PMs (thanks to the Mods for giving a few gigabytes of storage to receive all the PMs) and the replies in this thread, I fear my work shall more difficult than first thought.

Currently nursing or being nursed (let's be honest about who we are talking about here) through some weird immune thing. I have a strange virus, an autoimmune disorder, or cancer.

I am hoping for cancer. I could probably get a buncha my co-workers to run around with my face on a t-shirt in attempt to cure me.

Ain't if it ain't lung cancer, I get a ribbon of some sort as well.

Nevertheless, expect my first attempt to put the pro back into procreation around here by weekend's end.

You don't want cancer.  Been there, done that.... TWICE!  Serious.

 

[LizaSymonenko]

From the PMs (thanks to the Mods for giving a few gigabytes of storage to receive all the PMs) and the replies in this thread, I fear my work shall more difficult than first thought.

Currently nursing or being nursed (let's be honest about who we are talking about here) through some weird immune thing. I have a strange virus, an autoimmune disorder, or cancer.

I am hoping for cancer. I could probably get a buncha my co-workers to run around with my face on a t-shirt in attempt to cure me.

Ain't if it ain't lung cancer, I get a ribbon of some sort as well.

Nevertheless, expect my first attempt to put the pro back into procreation around here by weekend's end.

Oh!  Come on!  Don't joke about things like this.  Cancer is not funny.

If you want folks to run around with your face on their T-Shirts just ask....we'll do it for you even if you are healthy.

Seriously.  Cancer is no joking matter.  Be careful what you wish for.

 

[Irish_Melkite]

From the PMs (thanks to the Mods for giving a few gigabytes of storage to receive all the PMs) and the replies in this thread, I fear my work shall more difficult than first thought.

Currently nursing or being nursed (let's be honest about who we are talking about here) through some weird immune thing. I have a strange virus, an autoimmune disorder, or cancer.

I am hoping for cancer. I could probably get a buncha my co-workers to run around with my face on a t-shirt in attempt to cure me.

Ain't if it ain't lung cancer, I get a ribbon of some sort as well.

Nevertheless, expect my first attempt to put the pro back into procreation around here by weekend's end.

Oh!  Come on!  Don't joke about things like this.  Cancer is not funny.

If you want folks to run around with your face on their T-Shirts just ask....we'll do it for you even if you are healthy.

Seriously.  Cancer is no joking matter.  Be careful what you wish for.

I'm in TOTAL agreement with Liza.  I had a football-sized tumor removed from my chest less than 4 years ago... I thought the surgery was bad.... then I found out what radiation treatments feel like.  I would not wish that on my worst enemy, if I had one.

 

[orthonorm]

The first tip is an oldie but a goodie and contains a lot of truth, especially in the hands of someone who actually understands the nuance behind it.

Tell a smart girl she is pretty and a pretty girl she is smart.

Before you women get your skirts in a twist and say: can't a woman be both?!?!?! Of course. But the point of pithy statements is not to be 100% accurate. They contain truths writ broad that if one truly understands can be used to much advantage.

This statement sums up on how to properly give compliments which will actually resonate with whomever you are speaking, even men. But since women are the subject, let's stick with them.

Men seem absolutely oblivious on how to compliment women from first encounter and throughout their relationships, if they manage to get that far.

Most women who catch your attention do so for a particular reason, especially if in a social setting where you are pretty much unknown to each other. Guess what? Every other bore in her life was probably attracted to her for the same reason and she has heard the same compliments her whole life.

People know their "strengths". Because they have been told about them all their lives. Often these strengths are not what they want to be noticed for or have appreciated. They want to be understood and appreciated for the qualities they wish to aspire to have, feel they might, but get overshadowed by their outstanding qualities.

So how do you effectively and sincerely compliment a woman, whether it be day one or day one hundred?

That my friends will follow.

 

[orthonorm]

Come on, guys, orthonorm's thread might be a bunch of malarkey on its own. We need proof.

We should have a single female member volunteer to go on a date with orthonorm (Orthodox approved!), return, and report to a council of 5 women.

I don't like to talk out of school, but if you really need proof that I put the nova into casanova, I'll send you a council of five women. We didn't call it a council though . . . and my French ain't good enough to count to six, so I don't have a polite way of describing it in respectable company. //:=)

 

[Irish Melkite]

Question #1: Where can I find a girl who is freaky but doesn't have any STDs? (seriously)

For those who might have been shocked by his usage, it should be understood that, by 'STDs', our brother was referring to 'Serious Theological Deficiencies'. Right, Asteriktos?

Many years,

Neil

 

[orthonorm]

Dear Readers,

I will not be posting in this thread during the fast due the tone and nature of possible posts. But fear not, I will return to help you poor souls who have taken more ribbing than Adam for being alone with no mate to show for it, except for that 13 year old kid in Australia you play Red Dead Redemption with online.

Till then,

Orthonorm

 

 

[akimori makoto]

Dear Readers,

I will not be posting in this thread during the fast due the tone and nature of possible posts. But fear not, I will return to help you poor souls who have taken more ribbing than Adam for being alone with no mate to show for it, except for that 13 year old kid in Australia you play Red Dead Redemption with online.

Till then,

Orthonorm

I don't mean to undo the jovial tone of this thread but, in the spirit of this post, can we please remember that loneliness of this kind is a source of intense psychic and spiritual pain for many people? Others struggle with all sorts of other life issues/disabilities/disadvantages which contribute to them being unable to remedy that pain as easily as someone possessing different gifts might (am I being too oblique?).

May the fast bring great healing to all of us.

 

[orthonorm]

Dear Readers,

I will not be posting in this thread during the fast due the tone and nature of possible posts. But fear not, I will return to help you poor souls who have taken more ribbing than Adam for being alone with no mate to show for it, except for that 13 year old kid in Australia you play Red Dead Redemption with online.

Till then,

Orthonorm

I don't mean to undo the jovial tone of this thread but, in the spirit of this post, can we please remember that loneliness of this kind is a source of intense psychic and spiritual pain for many people? Others struggle with all sorts of other life issues/disabilities/disadvantages which contribute to them being unable to remedy that pain as easily as someone possessing different gifts might (am I being too oblique?).

May the fast bring great healing to all of us.

Well said. For everything there is a season. Except you all who are always experiencing a drought.

Sorry. I can't help myself. //:=)

Again in sincerity. Well said.

 

[Achronos]

Tell a smart girl she is pretty and a pretty girl she is smart.

If that smart girl really is smart you might have to sleep with her to prove it but that's besides the point.

 

[Asteriktos]

Question #1: Where can I find a girl who is freaky but doesn't have any STDs? (seriously)

For those who might have been shocked by his usage, it should be understood that, by 'STDs', our brother was referring to 'Serious Theological Deficiencies'. Right, Asteriktos?

Many years,

Neil

Of course. What else would STD mean?  ???  Also, when I say that I'm "D&D free," I mean of course that I don't play dungeons and dragons.

 

[Achronos]

Question #1: Where can I find a girl who is freaky but doesn't have any STDs? (seriously)

For those who might have been shocked by his usage, it should be understood that, by 'STDs', our brother was referring to 'Serious Theological Deficiencies'. Right, Asteriktos?

Many years,

Neil

Of course. What else would STD mean?  ???  Also, when I say that I'm "D&D free," I mean of course that I don't play dungeons and dragons.

Just roll the dice baby you never know what you may get.

 

[Severian]

I love this thread. Great job Orthonorm!  :laugh:

 

[Severian]

Orthonorm, I have been having tons of problems finding a girl recently.  I found this nice one at the mall the other day, and after watching her with her friends for three hours I felt like we were a perfect match.  I went up to her and told her that if she married me I had a nice kitchen and would be willing to give her father up to three goats.  As I sat in the mall security office all I could think about was how much her rejection hurt me.  I mean, I really can't afford four goats, but the kitchen is nice, I even showed her pictures of it.  What am I doing wrong?

This could very well be the post of the year!  :laugh:

 

[Luke]

Come on, guys, orthonorm's thread might be a bunch of malarkey on its own. We need proof.

We should have a single female member volunteer to go on a date with orthonorm (Orthodox approved!), return, and report to a council of 5 women. Once we approve, only then will he be permitted to carry on with his advice column. Report to a council of 5 women?  Perhaps he should do himself in now before the real suffering begins.

If there are any volunteers, please PM me. Women only..

Thanks --
IsmiLiora

Report to a council of 5 women?  Perhaps Orthonorm should do himself in now before the real suffering begins.  olice:

 

[IsmiLiora]

Hey, we are fair, but then again, we always think we are right. 


ETA: Orthonorm might get a bye if he has actually used that casanova line in real life. That is smooooooth. I seriously LOLed.

 

[akimori makoto]

Hey, we are fair, but then again, we always think we are right. 


ETA: Orthonorm might get a bye if he has actually used that casanova line in real life. That is smooooooth. I seriously LOLed.

The problem with a line like this is it presupposes the intelligence of she on the receiving end.

 

[IsmiLiora]

Perhaps I am taking for granted that the lovely lady in question might know what a casanova is! But seriously, I first learned the term from my Archie & Friends comic books many many years ago. Not exactly from a bodice ripper or a "How to Seduce" book.


And in my opinion, but this is just me, but lines only work once you know she's attracted to you. They make me laugh and I usually give the guys points for cleverness, but if the guy says them with a straight face (and has an orange tan and spiky hair), I'd move on in .00001 seconds.

But then again, it's not that easy to cultivate a relationship. There is a lot of attention that should be given, good listening skills are needed, and you need to stalk her. I mean, really, really stalk her.  :angel:

 

[orthonorm]

Oh we will get to all this . . .

Liora is correct. But I have a method here folks.