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Orthonorm's Dating and Relationship Advice Column

Cyrillic

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I'm coming up with a plan. Thanks for all the advice. Still don't know if I have the guts to execute the plan, though.
 

dzheremi

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You get the guts by going through with the plan. Like that European guy who climbed Mount Everest "because it was there" (so goes the story). I bet he had no trouble getting the ladies after that...now doesn't your plan seem much less intimidating next to that? ;)
 

dzheremi

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Well, if there's any person on OC.net to do it...
 

JamesR

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I'm having one of those late-night nostalgia moments where I think of my first love. I'm going to tell my story in a wise manner for anyone who is interested because I have nothing better to do.

It twas many ages ago--ancient, buried in memory--in the year of our Lord 2008. I was a young, frisky lad in the 6th grade, puberty just around the corner. It was during this time in my life that I met her--my heart's first love. Her name was [namewithheld]--and by God, was she a beauty. Her light, brunette hair flowing as elegantly and majestic as the rivers of Eden, eyes engulfed with the very essence of beauty and life itself. Without spot or blemish, she was the pinnacle of perfection when Germans and Filipinas reproduce.

I befriended the young maiden, oftentimes relying on my innate sense of stupidity and humour to amuse her. I knew right then and there that she would change my life--and she did, by becoming my first love. Our friendship lasted throughout the years, from that end-of-the-school-year 6th grade trip to Great America where I ate her leftover food like the gluttonous child I was, to the Spanish-class field trip to the Mexican restaurant across the street in 7th grade, in which I lightheartedly humoured her soul by rudely 'trolling' the waiter like the obnoxious little pubescent middle-schooler that I was.

It was in 8th grade when things became hectic and confusing. Alas, the young maiden transferred to a different school. While in reality it was only ten miles away from my school, when you are a child whose sole source of interaction comes from school, and sole source of transportation wherever your parents and/or the parents of your friends will take you, it might as well have been ten lightyears away. This was perhaps the worst year of my entire life; for it was the moment when I had hit rock bottom, probably for snuffing Jesus since this was at the time when I abandoned Christianity. My mother suffered a tragic miscarriage--an event that still haunts me to this very day--my father lost his job--which ultimately led me to having to leave my Private School since tuition would no longer be free. But worst of all, we had to move. We were moving to a run down craphole in California called 'Modesto' which was like two hours away from my hometown--the town where the young maiden I fancied also dwelt. We would be separated by a two hour drive.

In the heat of all the misery, when the bondage of fear and despair had me in a chokehold, I could not conceal it any longer. The truth came out. I blurted to her how I truly felt about her, all my feelings, nothing hidden. As if my pain were not enough, it only became worse, because what I discovered next was the icing on the cake--the killing blow from the dagger that came when I thought that I could not endure anything more. She had a boyfriend. Within the few months of attending a new school, she was swept off her feet by a puny little Asian kid named Bryan--my arch nemisis.

I had given up all hope in life. Nothing mattered to me anymore. My grades slipped, I began eating compulsively, I cried all night, the only thing I ever looked forward to was sleep. Ahh sleep. How I loved sleep! The one force that could offer me temporary relief from all of the pain and despair--the one place where a man can truly confide--despite any problem you throw at him--and enjoy a few hours of total bliss within the solitary confines of the cousin of death. When the moment to move came, I reluctantly went along with it.

The first few weeks in my new home where the worst of my life. How I missed the girl! How I loathed to be back in my hometown with the maiden I loved and all of my friends! Despite her boyfriend and our difficult situation, I kept in touch with her. We talked over the phone, facebook and text message almost every day. She confided all her problems in me, and I did the same. My emotions for her were nourished during this period, and thus, my pain was also amplified as I had to learn to deal with the unsettling reality that I was gone from her and she had a boyfriend.

It was during this period that a new interest in religion--particularly Christianity was resparked within me. Religion--the last hope of a man's soul, the opiate of those who despair--became the primary purpose of my life. I read the scriptures, and every single day I would literally pray for hours and hours, oftentimes in a frenzy of tears, asking God to somehow move me back to my hometown and reunite me with her and somehow give me victory over her boyfriend. Everyone I knew doubted me. My parents laughed and said I should get used to my new home, my friends had all lost hope that I would return--even though they really wanted me to, and thus, I was all alone. Despite the ridicule and all the odds being against me, I continued this strict regime of prayer. And in the end--after an entire year of this regime, a miracle happened. My mother announced to me that we were moving back to my hometown. In a glorious jolt of disbelief, I ran to my bedroom and opened up my Bible for reasons I cannot remember. Either way, I looked at the Bible, and the first passage I saw was Matthew 15:28, which states "...great is your faith! let it be done as you desire!'

As if that were not enough, she also broke up with her boyfriend right around this time as well. How much better could it have gotten? Moving forward, we moved back to my hometown within the following month, and I was reunited with all of my friends. But most importantly, reunited with the girl. It was at this time that I asked her out, and I experienced my very first date, being new Sophmores in High-school by this time. The date was amazing, and for once I truly felt at peace.

Ah how we bonded! We dated several more times throughout the year together. We even met each other's families. What made our dates amazing was that she was always dragging me on to do these amazingly dangerous, stupid yet fun things together. Like when we would sneak off away from where our parents thought we were or when we would almost get hit by cars. Such a thrill! I loved her, and I think that she loved me.

But all good things don't last. We drifted apart. I became obsessed with pursuing a hip-hop career as I spent all of my spare time successfully rap-battling guys at my school, and she no longer had feelings for me. And thus, here we are now. The bond we once had is broken. Every once in a while we will still text or have the random IM chat, but they are far and in between, and every time we do, it only further pains my soul as I am haunted by the memory of what we used to have and what we could have had.

I'm so sad right now :( You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
 

Asteriktos

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First night in Cinci, we about to go out partying, wish me luck! I'll report back when I can!
 

Asteriktos

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Gonna visit a few bars for a bit. First stop: The Lackman. I'll try to post more when the night is through!
 

Alpo

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Dear all. I'm in deep trouble and hope you can help me out of it.

You see, my girlfriend complains to me that I treat her as an equal. Instead of an equal I should treat her as a woman. Since I'm indoctrinated by Scandinavian Socialism and Feminism I'm unable to treat her unequally. Gender is a social construction and all that.

What should I do in order to find my inner masculinity? Should I drink more beer? Maybe buy a car? Place her into a harem?
 

vamrat

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Alpo said:
Dear all. I'm in deep trouble and hope you can help me out of it.

You see, my girlfriend complains to me that I treat her as an equal. Instead of an equal I should treat her as a woman. Since I'm indoctrinated by Scandinavian Socialism and Feminism I'm unable to treat her unequally. Gender is a social construction and all that.

What should I do in order to find my inner masculinity? Should I drink more beer? Maybe buy a car? Place her into a harem?
Slap her bottom and tell her to make you dinner.  Chicks dig getting abused.  I have a half dozen or so ex's that prove the point. 
 

Asteriktos

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Man, what a crazy night last night! Ok so I was at the bar and this really attractive woman came up and sat beside me. Now orthonorm and opus were in another part of the bar at the time. Anyway, so we start talking, and she's really attractive, but something about her was just off, like you could tell she was a little crazy. So I said I had to get back to my friends, and she was like "What's wrong, tiger? Don't you want this?" and I was like "Um, you're very attractive, but..." and she said "let me ask you something" and I said "ok..." and she said "It's my face, isn't it? You think I'm a butterface!" and I tried to assure her that that was not the case at all, that she had a very pretty face, but she wouldn't listen. Then she started crying, and I tried to put my arm around her to console her and she snapped at me like a wild beast "don't touch me you pathetic wretch!"  

Well, suffice to say I was taken aback, but she apologized immediately and said she didn't know what came over her. I said it was ok, that maybe she should go home and get some sleep. And she said "let me ask you another question, a very private question," and I said ok. So she said "Imagine your ultimate fantasy girl. It has to be someone real though. Like an actress. Who is she?" I was a bit confused, but she pressed me several times to name someone. So finally I said "I dunno, Emmanuelle Chriqui I guess". She said "Ahh" and then just sat there with a serious look on her face. Then she leaned in and whispered to me: "If I chopped her head off, and took her skin, and wore it like a mask over my head, would you then make love to me? Would I then be pretty enough for you?"

That was about all I could take? I jumped back and said "what are you talking about? are you crazy?" and she looked at me longingly and said "what is it that you want? just tell me what you want!" and she started clawing at me and sort of growling. Just then orthonorm and opus saw what was going on and they hurriedly pushed me out of the bar, and we raced to the car as this wild woman chased us, screaming "I need to feel like you love me! Make me feel like a woman!"  Well, we finally got to the car and she came up and started banging on the window, and we were saying "go go go" and she was spitting and hissing, but finally norm got the car started and we sped away. Whew, it was close, I'll tell ya!
 

vamrat

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So, I was perusing OK U Bid...I mean, OK Cupid and entered "orthodox" in the keyword function.  I have learned that there are a significant number of bi-sexual women who list "eastern orthodox" as an interest.

And I was like...

 

That person

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I was looking for a gif expressing creepy happiness. I suppose you would see that in pedophiles.
 

Asteriktos

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I have a date this Saturday. I'm not sure what magical voodoo was at play, but whatever I said worked! Advice on how to move forward will most likely be sought after the date.
 

ironchapman

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According to the Khouria at my home parish, the major problem for them is that they have several guys of college age but very few girls.

That presents a problem.
 

Asteriktos

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Spurred on by my recent success, I am going to ask the pretty bank teller out today. Either she will say yes and make me very happy, or she will reject me and I will be embarrassed every time I have to go back to that bank.
 

vamrat

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Last night I think I fell in love with the late-night-gas-station-attendant-lady.  I went in there to grab some beer because if my brother came home and we were out he'd literally flip a brick.  When I went up to pay to the usual guy he decided to play cupid and set me up with this little goddess of love.  He said to me, "she can help you over there" and that is where it all began.  She gave me this look and my heart melted.  Her gentle doe-like eyes had a bored expression like maybe it was later than she'd like it to be and just really wanted to go home.  In my heart I knew that it was me she wanted to go home with.  I still remember the first thing she said to me, she asked if she could see my ID.  I understood.  A girl has to be careful these days and wants to make sure that the guy she goes out with is legit so I showed it to her.  We made some conversations.  She asked me if I'd like a receipt and I said no thanks.  Up to this point everything could just be passed off as coincidence but she told me that she wants to see me again!  Her exact words were, "have a good night.  Please come again."

I think I might have finally found THE ONE!  As soon as I get home I am going to cancel my plans of watching The Outlaw Josey Wales with my friend and I am going to drink up all the beer so I have to go and get more.  If I see her I'm going to ask her to marry me.  I've even got a ring.  It's a beautiful one I found in the graveyard down the road from my house.  I'm sure she'll swoon when she sees it and throw herself into my arms.

I wonder what we'll name our kids?  Any suggestions?
 

ZealousZeal

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vamrat said:
Last night I think I fell in love with the late-night-gas-station-attendant-lady.  I went in there to grab some beer because if my brother came home and we were out he'd literally flip a brick.  When I went up to pay to the usual guy he decided to play cupid and set me up with this little goddess of love.  He said to me, "she can help you over there" and that is where it all began.  She gave me this look and my heart melted.  Her gentle doe-like eyes had a bored expression like maybe it was later than she'd like it to be and just really wanted to go home.  In my heart I knew that it was me she wanted to go home with.  I still remember the first thing she said to me, she asked if she could see my ID.  I understood.  A girl has to be careful these days and wants to make sure that the guy she goes out with is legit so I showed it to her.  We made some conversations.  She asked me if I'd like a receipt and I said no thanks.  Up to this point everything could just be passed off as coincidence but she told me that she wants to see me again!  Her exact words were, "have a good night.  Please come again."

I think I might have finally found THE ONE!  As soon as I get home I am going to cancel my plans of watching The Outlaw Josey Wales with my friend and I am going to drink up all the beer so I have to go and get more.  If I see her I'm going to ask her to marry me.  I've even got a ring.  It's a beautiful one I found in the graveyard down the road from my house.  I'm sure she'll swoon when she sees it and throw herself into my arms.

I wonder what we'll name our kids?  Any suggestions?
This really touched my heart. I hope I have Tums. I've always wanted to write a romance novel, and I'm interested in buying the rights to your story. I'm thinking something like 50 Cases of Steel Reserve. Interested?
 

vamrat

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ZealousZeal said:
vamrat said:
Last night I think I fell in love with the late-night-gas-station-attendant-lady.  I went in there to grab some beer because if my brother came home and we were out he'd literally flip a brick.  When I went up to pay to the usual guy he decided to play cupid and set me up with this little goddess of love.  He said to me, "she can help you over there" and that is where it all began.  She gave me this look and my heart melted.  Her gentle doe-like eyes had a bored expression like maybe it was later than she'd like it to be and just really wanted to go home.  In my heart I knew that it was me she wanted to go home with.  I still remember the first thing she said to me, she asked if she could see my ID.  I understood.  A girl has to be careful these days and wants to make sure that the guy she goes out with is legit so I showed it to her.  We made some conversations.  She asked me if I'd like a receipt and I said no thanks.  Up to this point everything could just be passed off as coincidence but she told me that she wants to see me again!  Her exact words were, "have a good night.  Please come again."

I think I might have finally found THE ONE!  As soon as I get home I am going to cancel my plans of watching The Outlaw Josey Wales with my friend and I am going to drink up all the beer so I have to go and get more.  If I see her I'm going to ask her to marry me.  I've even got a ring.  It's a beautiful one I found in the graveyard down the road from my house.  I'm sure she'll swoon when she sees it and throw herself into my arms.

I wonder what we'll name our kids?  Any suggestions?
This really touched my heart. I hope I have Tums. I've always wanted to write a romance novel, and I'm interested in buying the rights to your story. I'm thinking something like 50 Cases of Steel Reserve. Interested?
What are we talking about for royalties?  10%?  If so, I'll go back and propose to her tonight!

(BTW, it was Miller Light.  Only my friend B__ drinks Steel Reserve.  That's gross.  They say every kiss begins with Kay, well, most of mine have started with Miller!)
 

Asteriktos

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Vamrat, you lucky dog rat, good for you! I asked the bank teller out and she told me she was unavailable. Humph. Some customer service! Well anyway, I still got one date this week, and it sounds like you're doing well also. These are great times we live in!
 

ZealousZeal

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vamrat said:
ZealousZeal said:
vamrat said:
Last night I think I fell in love with the late-night-gas-station-attendant-lady.  I went in there to grab some beer because if my brother came home and we were out he'd literally flip a brick.  When I went up to pay to the usual guy he decided to play cupid and set me up with this little goddess of love.  He said to me, "she can help you over there" and that is where it all began.  She gave me this look and my heart melted.  Her gentle doe-like eyes had a bored expression like maybe it was later than she'd like it to be and just really wanted to go home.  In my heart I knew that it was me she wanted to go home with.  I still remember the first thing she said to me, she asked if she could see my ID.  I understood.  A girl has to be careful these days and wants to make sure that the guy she goes out with is legit so I showed it to her.  We made some conversations.  She asked me if I'd like a receipt and I said no thanks.  Up to this point everything could just be passed off as coincidence but she told me that she wants to see me again!  Her exact words were, "have a good night.  Please come again."

I think I might have finally found THE ONE!  As soon as I get home I am going to cancel my plans of watching The Outlaw Josey Wales with my friend and I am going to drink up all the beer so I have to go and get more.  If I see her I'm going to ask her to marry me.  I've even got a ring.  It's a beautiful one I found in the graveyard down the road from my house.  I'm sure she'll swoon when she sees it and throw herself into my arms.

I wonder what we'll name our kids?  Any suggestions?
This really touched my heart. I hope I have Tums. I've always wanted to write a romance novel, and I'm interested in buying the rights to your story. I'm thinking something like 50 Cases of Steel Reserve. Interested?
What are we talking about for royalties?  10%?  If so, I'll go back and propose to her tonight!

(BTW, it was Miller Light.  Only my friend B__ drinks Steel Reserve.  That's gross.  They say every kiss begins with Kay, well, most of mine have started with Miller!)
Hmmm... I'm going to need to use some artistic license with the beer. I like the play on words you can get from "Steel Reserve"... alluding to your courage in putting yourself out there, perhaps? Unless you feel that the Miller is essential to the integrity of your story, but it'd have to be a pretty persuasive argument.

As for royalties, I was thinking more along the lines of 7%- but we have bargaining room.

Don't go propose to her tonight only because of our inevitable impending fame! These things need to happen organically- your story needs to be as authentic as possible. There's going to be plenty of late night shows and undoubtedly talks of film, so we want to keep the material fresh- not forced.
 

Punch

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vamrat said:
What are we talking about for royalties?  10%?  If so, I'll go back and propose to her tonight!

(BTW, it was Miller Light.  Only my friend B__ drinks Steel Reserve.  That's gross.  They say every kiss begins with Kay, well, most of mine have started with Miller!)
Mine have all started with ether.
 

Achronos

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Every man's dream, a first girlfriend who's an original conduit. All a poor guy wants.
 

Asteriktos

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Nah, the bank teller was "unavailable," but I went out with this girl I met online and it was great...  ;D
 

Asteriktos

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Totally serious. It didn't start out well because I'm more reserved and she's one of those "life of the party" people. But as the night went on we really got along well, and we plan on getting together again, probably next weekend.
 

Achronos

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Asteriktos said:
Totally serious. It didn't start out well because I'm more reserved and she's one of those "life of the party" people. But as the night went on we really got along well, and we plan on getting together again, probably next weekend.
How did you deal with the attractiveness?
 

Asteriktos

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You mean the fact that I'm not attractive? Hey, that's her problem  ;D

Oh, maybe you meant her? She's nicer in real life. And we got... "cozy"... which probably helped.
 

Asteriktos

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I had a bit of an epiphany as I was sitting in the parking lot of the Unitarian Universalist church waiting for my pagan girlfriend to come out (I wasn't allowed to go in with her)... sort of my own Pascals wager... if there is no God then my only purpose in life would be the pursuit of happiness, yet Orthodoxy is what makes me most happy, so either way I should pursue Orthodoxy, and let God do what He wants to do to/with/for me.  :angel:
 

JamesR

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I find it weird how everyone in person tells me that I should date a lot, enjoy a ton of "young loves" and meet a lot of girls before I ever get married someday. Yet, knowing how desperate and socially awkward I am, I imagine that I will probably just end up marrying the first attractive Orthodox girl that comes into my life that doesn't leave me after a week.
 
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