Orthonorm's Dating and Relationship Advice Column

[tuesdayschild]

Believe me, you guys don't want Catholic girls. We're insane, and not in the good way.

There's a good insane?

 

[Achronos]

LOL ok so the story is a joke, just making sure. I was right

 

[Asteriktos]

My life is no joke!  Thankfully desiree stayed the night to console me...

 

[Asteriktos]

I feel much better today. Sarah is gone, but at least I still have Desiree. Here's a picture of her I took this morning before she left. I was going to kiss her goodbye, but I figured maybe that would be moving too quickly.

 

[IsmiLiora]

Wow, not many girls wear jean jackets without anything underneath! She's a keeper!

 

[Asteriktos]

Yeah, she came out of the bedroom with my jacket on and asked how she looked. I thought she looked good, though I'm confused why she was wearing it. I guess she just liked it, maybe I should buy her one like that?

 

[IsmiLiora]

Maybe you should say, "No, take it off RIGHT NOW. THAT'S MINE," and see how she responds.  :laugh:

 

[Asteriktos]

Maybe you should say, "No, take it off RIGHT NOW. THAT'S MINE," and see how she responds.  :laugh:

Hello? Then she'd be naked! What are you, crazy? It was hard enough sleeping in the wrong direction last night. I was getting ready to sleep on the couch, cause she was already in bed in the bedroom, and she said something about not minding if I join her. I figured it might be a bit cramped, but it really wasn't. However, I obviously laid in the opposite direction so I wouldn't accidentally touch her inappropriately, and it was hard sleeping "upside down," so to speak. If she's going to be staying over often I'm gonna have to buy an air mattress or something.

 

[Asteriktos]

If I may also add, I'm getting frustrated with you people and your gutter-minds. Sex a few days after meeting? What are you even talking about? Even the really evil and perverted, like swingers or people from the Ukraine, don't do that. Haven't you ever heard of key parties? This is where swingers have a potluck dinner, and they all throw their keys into one container, and then randomly pull out someone else's keys, and then they talk with that person and decide whether they want to meet for lunch some time to get to know each other. It takes at least a few months, they don't just jump in the sack the first night! I don't know where you people live (probably San Francisco), but around these parts we still have a little thing called modesty and decorum.

 

[IsmiLiora]

I didn't know that in your parts of the country, that you let a woman console you by sleeping in your bed! I should totally move out of San Fransisco, because here, sleeping a guy's bed usually means you have to join in the sexytime.

 

[Asteriktos]

Out of Christian charity I will not condemn you for your strange ideas and practices, but please remember that in most parts of the world what you describe would be quite unseemly!

 

[vamrat]

Asteriktos, don't let these wicked people lead you astray.  You have the right mindset.  Any floozie who will sleep with you before marriage for any reason other than that you have a gun, is not worth the goats you would have paid to her father as restitution.

 

[IsmiLiora]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

 

[vamrat]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

Oh no.  Goats are just the normal way.  A girl of your caliber was probably worth at least a half dozen camels.  Maybe even a good horse.

 

[IsmiLiora]

:'(! Does that mean I'm easy?!

Listen, the only advice I've gotten concerning marriage and relationships was when my mother told me, "Don't give away the milk for free" when I started dating my then-boyfriend. Now every time I prepare him coffee or cereal, I charge him $3.00 and he isn't very happy about it. We're seeing a marriage counselor next week.

 

[primuspilus]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

Oh no.  Goats are just the normal way.  A girl of your caliber was probably worth at least a half dozen camels.  Maybe even a good horse.

What about a barbecue sauce recipe? That's what the deal was between me and my wife's dad....

PP

 

[vamrat]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

Oh no.  Goats are just the normal way.  A girl of your caliber was probably worth at least a half dozen camels.  Maybe even a good horse.

What about a barbecue sauce recipe? That's what the deal was between me and my wife's dad....

PP

Wow, that's one saucy girl you've got there...

 

[LizaSymonenko]

If I may also add, I'm getting frustrated with you people and your gutter-minds. Sex a few days after meeting? What are you even talking about? Even the really evil and perverted, like swingers or people from the Ukraine, don't do that.

Watch it!

What are you intimating about Ukrainians?
:angel:

 

[vamrat]

:'(! Does that mean I'm easy?!

Listen, the only advice I've gotten concerning marriage and relationships was when my mother told me, "Don't give away the milk for free" when I started dating my then-boyfriend. Now every time I prepare him coffee or cereal, I charge him $3.00 and he isn't very happy about it. We're seeing a marriage counselor next week.

I was always told don't buy the cow when the milk is free.  I spent the money I was going to use for the cow on an iPod and a used AK instead.  When I went to the bazaar I found that the milk proprietor's definition of free was different than mine.  He made me marry his ugly daughter for "stealing" the milk, but it all turned out for the best.  She came with a cow.

 

[primuspilus]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

Oh no.  Goats are just the normal way.  A girl of your caliber was probably worth at least a half dozen camels.  Maybe even a good horse.

What about a barbecue sauce recipe? That's what the deal was between me and my wife's dad....

PP

Wow, that's one saucy girl you've got there...

**rimshot followed by applause**

 

[CoptoGeek]

My father didn't get goats before my marriage. Did we do something wrong?  ??? Did my husband scam us?!

Oh no.  Goats are just the normal way.  A girl of your caliber was probably worth at least a half dozen camels.  Maybe even a good horse.

Camels would simply not do in your geographic area. A good mixture of goats, cows, and pigs would show your future FIL that you're a practical as well as generous man and can provide for your future bride.

I chose the mother and child animal package for my lovely wife and we've been living in marital bliss since.

http://www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped-animal-lovers

 

[Asteriktos]

Question #8: So my therapist (who is single) has been giving me a lot of compliments lately. I mean a lot more than usual. So then yesterday she "accidentally" misspelled my name. She said she added or used an "s" by mistake. I'm not sure if she meant "Kissels" or "Kisses". Anyway, I don't really care about all that client/patient ethics crap, so should I try to ask her out?

 

[Achronos]

Hey Jason I have a question. How do you not feel guilty before you break up with someone.

Thanks

 

[TITL]

Question #8: So my therapist (who is single) has been giving me a lot of compliments lately. I mean a lot more than usual. So then yesterday she "accidentally" misspelled my name. She said she added or used an "s" by mistake. I'm not sure if she meant "Kissels" or "Kisses". Anyway, I don't really care about all that client/patient ethics crap, so should I try to ask her out?

You're going to ask her out cause she misspelled your name?  :

I'm going to have to vote "no" on this one.

P.S. sorry to break it to you, but she get's paid to give you compliments.

 

[orthonorm]

Hey Jason I have a question. How do you not feel guilty before you break up with someone.

Thanks

Oh, I forgot about this baby.

Big news to be released tomorrow. The last month has been nutz workwise and "vocation" wise. So when I have not been struck by my sleeping sickness or working or pontificating, I've been busy doing a little writing and hand holding. Usually all at the same time.

See tomorrow's Variety.

 

[Achronos]

Hey Jason I have a question. How do you not feel guilty before you break up with someone.

Thanks

Oh, I forgot about this baby.

;D

 

[IsmiLiora]

Big news to be released tomorrow.

Does it involve a new lady friend, ensnared using all of the advice on this thread?  

 

[orthonorm]

Big news to be released tomorrow.

Does it involve a new lady friend, ensnared using all of the advice on this thread?  

A certain *ahem* beknighted fellow and *ahem* person of interest, which cannot be hinted at till tomorrow's Vanity* release and *ahem* a bit of doctoring something and *ahem* me having a finger on the key of the city for a while.

And something to do with one of the most famous pieces of literature dealing with the change of relations between men and women.

*ahem*

*Freudian slip: Variety

 

[IsmiLiora]

I dunno what you said, but it sounds dirty.

 

[Jibrail Almuhajir]

... but is quite okay with me still having a friendly relationship with another ex, who is exactly one year older than I.  I think my wife actually wants to meet her. 

You'll rue that day, son... ain't nothing good gonna come from that. 

 

[Punch]

I've always been told that it is good to have a wife that is an excellent cook, one that is a demon in bed, one that keeps the house spotless, and one that makes you feel really good about yourself.  I have also heard that it is not a good idea to have them meet.

 

[Volnutt]

Question #8: So my therapist (who is single) has been giving me a lot of compliments lately. I mean a lot more than usual. So then yesterday she "accidentally" misspelled my name. She said she added or used an "s" by mistake. I'm not sure if she meant "Kissels" or "Kisses". Anyway, I don't really care about all that client/patient ethics crap, so should I try to ask her out?

You're going to ask her out cause she misspelled your name?  :

I'm going to have to vote "no" on this one.

P.S. sorry to break it to you, but she get's paid to give you compliments.

Asteriktos is just kidding around in this thread.

 

[IsmiLiora]

that is a demon in bed

After hearing this "really funny" quip from a group of guy friends, I proceeded to demonstrate exactly what I thought "a demon in bed" sounded like.

Needless to say, they took it back.

What an awful descriptor! 

 

[Azurestone]

that is a demon in bed

After hearing this "really funny" quip from a group of guy friends, I proceeded to demonstrate exactly what I thought "a demon in bed" sounded like.

Needless to say, they took it back.

What an awful descriptor! 

succubus in bed?  ;D

 

[IsmiLiora]

that is a demon in bed

After hearing this "really funny" quip from a group of guy friends, I proceeded to demonstrate exactly what I thought "a demon in bed" sounded like.

Needless to say, they took it back.

What an awful descriptor! 

succubus in bed?  ;D

Pretty much lol.

 

[vamrat]

that is a demon in bed

After hearing this "really funny" quip from a group of guy friends, I proceeded to demonstrate exactly what I thought "a demon in bed" sounded like.

Needless to say, they took it back.

What an awful descriptor!  

succubus in bed?  ;D

Pretty much lol.

Prolly better than a banshee.

Edit - Come to think of it, the movie Conan the Barbarian (the real one) had a good depiction of what a demon in bed would be like.

 

[Achronos]

That sad reality is that statement of "demon in bed" actual was a true statement for me, for about a month with an ex-gf.

One of the worst times in my life.

 

[Melodist]

Prolly better than a banshee.

Aren't banshees known for their moaning and screaming?

 

[Azurestone]

Prolly better than a banshee.

Aren't banshees known for their moaning and screaming?

Yeah, but it's loud. And not hot screaming, but 'um, hun, are you alright?'. You'll just end up calling ghostbusters or shooting her in the head.

 

[TITL]

Question #8: So my therapist (who is single) has been giving me a lot of compliments lately. I mean a lot more than usual. So then yesterday she "accidentally" misspelled my name. She said she added or used an "s" by mistake. I'm not sure if she meant "Kissels" or "Kisses". Anyway, I don't really care about all that client/patient ethics crap, so should I try to ask her out?

You're going to ask her out cause she misspelled your name?  :

I'm going to have to vote "no" on this one.

P.S. sorry to break it to you, but she get's paid to give you compliments.

Asteriktos is just kidding around in this thread.

Oh. I was wondering why no one else responded to him.  :