not what i meant.. i meant the conscience of doing certain things not so "orthodox" and the feeling attached with that, of believe, trustfulness, power, etc.. that conscience and that feeling.. that state.. what does it take to hold on to that or take it back?
What do you mean "not so Orthodox"? What kind of "feelings" are you referring to?
I have to agree with DeniseDenise....we can all cleanse ourselves of the cynicism, judgmentalism, ego, etc.....through Confession and Communion.
I think what you refer to is the happy state of being, prior to realizing you are Orthodox and that the Church teaches this is right or this wrong.
If so, even though you may not have realized it was "Orthodox"....your conscience (holy spirit) even as a child, guided you.
You were most likely happy when those around you were happy. You were happy when you made someone else smile, gave your mom a gift, did well in school.
You were most likely unhappy when those around you were angry or upset, when you failed a test, or when you were told to do chores...which you didn't want to do, but, knew you had to do.
We have all grown up, and now we have adult situations to deal with. However, they are all the same, only on a larger scale. We are still most happy when we make others happy. We are most happy when someone smiles at us, when their burden is eased by us, when we are with the ones we love. We are most unhappy when those around us are sad, ill, upset or grieving. We are unhappy when things go wrong at work (versus school), etc.
You need to reestablish your trust in God. As a child we had blind faith. As an adult we want proof.
We need to return to that blind faith. To just let God work in our lives, and not hinder Him or His efforts on our behalf.
I know that after the struggles of Great Lent, the joy I experience on Pascha is incomparable to any other moment of the year. I struggle to keep that joy and giddiness alive as long as I can....but, with days, and weeks, it ebbs, and eventually is gone.....only to be renewed the following Pascha. It's something to look forward to.
Otherwise, I suggest to stop over thinking, over analyzing, and nitpicking the Faith to pieces....and just let it be. Know it to be correct. Know that God loves you and only wishes the best for you....so, stop fighting Him.
What I mean is the fearless trustfulness and power to contemplate and do things that are not so 'moral'.
I superstitious fear of wrongdoings unreasonable/illogical? Like I am thinking that if I do something immoral, something bad will happen in my life in return, even if it isn't something that involves the direct harming of any persons. Is this fear unreasonable? Should we see God as an accounting retributor, making an account of everything we do and punishing us for everything, paying us with the same coin? Like every action of us having a reaction in God that refrains to our lives? Anyway I am speaking of this fearless conscience to err or even do an immoral or evil thing thinking that one can turn even this into a "right" , like thinking God is going to sustain this sort of situation or even help and be a part of it as part of life. I remember having the same notions of evil and good, right and wrong when contemplating a particular thought , that felt so right and uplifting. What I am asking is how does one go back to this emotional conscience of mind?