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The History of Christianity according Evangelicals

TheTrisagion

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A long time ago, Jesus rose from the dead and also some dead saints randomly came back to life, which was cool, and then Jesus gave the Great Commission and zoomed back up to heaven, because he’d had enough sunburns and stubbed toes, and heaven doesn’t have those things, only nachos.  Meanwhile, his followers, who understood basically nothing Jesus said, just stood outside looking at the sky, waiting for him to come back.  So God sent two angels to sort of nudge them like “um, dudes? Can we get started on that Great Commission thing?”  And then the crabbiest apostles were like DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO and they all harrumphed in unison and it was the first Presbyterian church.
And Ed Stetzer was there, and he saw that it was good.
http://matthewepierce.com/an-exhaustive-820-word-history-of-christianity/

 
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