- May 24, 2004
- Reaction score
- Oriental Orthodox
As usual, your teenage wise-guy brain likes to jump on the opportunity to show how your moral road is higher, and yet you seem to lack understanding. Read this carefully:William said:It is not necessarily therapeutic: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disturbed/201208/why-you-dont-always-have-forgiveminasoliman said:Follow my advice; it's better than most religions. :William said:I guess this is why I'm not one of them, anymore.Greatest I am said:Why would you wait for someone else to set your standard?
I try to use religion for its useful purposes (ritual and community) without compromising my own ethical standards, which are higher than those of most religions.You said their religion. What is yours if any?
In any case, the Psalms in the Bible is filled with references of being angry at God as well. I like what Fr. George wrote. When you're angry at God, you're acknowledging Him, and He can take it. Make your anger genuine towards him, not to anyone else, even if they directly have been involved in wrongdoing.
And forgiving the enemy, or loving the enemy, is actually very therapeutic if you think about it. There will be no peace in your heart when you hold a grudge. If you must grudge, do it to God, but don't do it to a fellow man because it will eat you up. A true sign of strength is forgiveness of the fellow man. It's actually one of the highest standards. When one does not want to forgive "an enemy", it's not because "my own ethical standards" are better, but that you are admitting you're too weak to do so.
Although it is miles ahead of other forms of "therapy" you've defended on OC.net, such as adding perpetual deceit to adultery.
Let me know if you can find that interview with Fr. Tom.
So yes, no one should force someone to forgive. It should come naturally and with time. You should be honest with yourself. It's not an overnight thing to do. It could take years or decades to be able to forgive. At the very least:However, forgiveness is not something that just happens. Some people find it helpful to release their anger while others find the idea disgusting. I have dealt with my share of parents of murdered children and victims of sex crimes. Though many find a way to move forward in life, forgiveness truly eludes them. This does not make them bad people. This just means that it is not healing for them at this time.
It may be surprising to learn how many people will pressure survivors to forgive a perpetrator. This was an element to being a profiler that I never expected. Survivors and those left behind after a murder are preyed upon and used more often than you would think. Family members tell them that if they don’t forgive, then they are going to Hell. In some cases, I’ve seen families turn their backs on victims of sexual abuse because the victims wouldn’t go along with the program and keep their mouths shut. They are told to forgive their attackers and let it go. If they cannot do so, then they are banished from the family unit. I’ve also seen women who stand up to their abusive lovers only to be eventually cut off by their children because they won’t simply forgive and let bygones be bygones.
With Christ all things are possible, but all things are not forced. It takes time, and for people to tell someone that they are a bad person because they can't forgive is not something I supported. It's of a level which very few reach. In fact, you hear a lot of "he has every right to begrudge him forever, and yet he forgave him" for those who are able to reach such a level. If you have every right, why then do you assume something I haven't advocated? And I posted a quote from Fr. Tom earlier. Look for it yourself.Forgiveness comes from within. It is not something that can be forced. Either you can do it or you can’t. If you cannot, then don’t think that you are a bad person or that you failed in some way. In some cases, forgiveness is just not possible. You may learn not to despise the perpetrator, but saying you forgive can be hollow if that is not what you truly feel. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t say you forgive someone when you don’t. It won’t make you feel better, and it won’t make your life easier. On the contrary, it is not about making your life easier when someone asks you to forgive. The purpose behind the question of forgiving is to make the person asking the question feel better.